If only he knew...

     In the silence of the night, she listened to his breathing while he lay sleeping - lost in a dream. In the dim moonlight which peeped through the window panes and casted playful shadows on the walls of the bedroom, she watched him sleep soundly, observing the rise and  the fall of his chest. She smiled to herself with content at the sight of him.  

     Peace. 

     There was no place else on earth she would rather be right now, but here.

     Every night, she wished to be near him, to feel his warm cuddly hug and the brush of his skin against hers. And every night, she wished secretly that the morning would never come; time would suddenly stop in the dead of the night so she could stay like this forever with him.

     But that was only a wish for Morning always arrived. The Moon would hide herself and the Sun would shine his prominent rays across the globe. Like the Moon, she would recede into darkness, hiding herself in shadows and away from the deadly burning rays of the Sun.

     Although she knew that she was breaking the laws of the supernatural realm, she risked all that she had to catch a glimpse of him during the day. It made her really happy just to see him: his conversations, his laughs, his actions - everything about him!

     She loved him that much.

    But wait a minute. Something suddenly struck her senses. Does he know how I feel about him? Does he even know that I love him? Wait, since when have I fallen in love with him?

     How would he know? She's just a distant memory from the past. He had probably forgotten about her. She's probably non-existent to him anymore.  She's not from his world. She's just a ghost - a poor soul that haunted his room every night secretly; a poor girl who would sacrifice all that she had to be with him; she's just a girl who loved him silently from afar.

     If only he knew...

Unspoken Words

When I was a little child, there were only three types of church occasions that always never failed to fascinate me: Christmas celebrations, weddings and funerals. Yes, you may think that it's normal for a child to get excited and goo-goo-gaa-gaa about attending Christmas masses and watching pretty brides walk down the aisle to be joined as one with their future husbands but FUNERALS... that's not normal, that's weird! But somehow, I liked attending funerals too.

I used to like to sit on the back-benches in the church hall, quietly watching the other funeral guests fill the front pews - all solemnly dressed in shades of grey, brown and black. Funerals fascinated me when I was a kiddo because they always seemed to carry a mysterious cloud of atmosphere with them which I somehow was determined to comprehend. This was the time when I could get the chance to see grown men and women - some of whom I called Auntie, Uncle, Jie Jie ("elder sister" in the Hokkien dialect) or Kor Kor ("elder brother" in the Hokkien dialect) cry. It was really very intriguing to me to watch these people whom I looked-up to, knew and recognized as "solid" adults before the funerals, shed their tears like children my age did at that time. And believe me, it could get ugly sometimes. I knew and understood that funerals meant somebody dearest had just passed away and thus, it was meant to be a very sad occasion.

But still, why must they cry? 

That was a question which kept on spinning in my head, desperate for an answer. I never got the chance to have somebody close to me die so I could experience what it was like to be the one crying. Like most children after a long time, I got bored of my unanswered question eventually. I left it hanging since then and never once revisited this state of mind until yesterday.

I was at an eye-specialist clinic yesterday morning to get my sore right eye checked-up. It was teary as if I just cried until my eye was red! So embarrassing! There were so many patients around, waiting for their turns, I was thankful I managed to find a place to sit, next to a smartly dressed elderly man who had the kindest and calmest smile ever. He inched to his right a little so that I could park my fat buttocks on the seat next to him nicely. What a gentleman!

As I was waiting for my turn which seemed to be eternity, the elderly man sitting next to me suddenly spoke up. Also wanting to kill the boredom that was eating into me, I chatted with him. He told me about himself and asked about me and the conversation went on into something so touching that I shall remember for the rest of my life. And the best part, my since-I-was-a-kid-unanswered-question was answered by him as well. Finally.

His wife died in a car accident about a two decades ago. Before the accident, the man was a successful businessman who owned a handful of major rice mills in the country. He admitted that the sole reason behind his success was his wife who understood him more than anyone else could and who supported him through thick and thin. But during the time when she was still alive, he never acknowledged this fact, nor did he credit his wife for his success. His wife was a quiet character but strong in nature and influential in her own ways. She was self-sacrificial; always putting him first in everything. Although he loved her dearly as much as she loved him, he never once professed his feelings for her, not even during their younger days when they were dating. He never once uttered the 3 words I Love You to her before - these are the words every woman would love to hear from her man's mouth. He found it really difficult to spit the words out even though he felt it deeply in his heart towards his wife.

Sadly, she never lived to hear him say those words. She never got the chance to know how much he loved her. During her funeral, he cried and cried and cried. And even after the funeral, he continued to cry his heart out. His heart ached with regret that he never found the courage to say I Love You to her when she was still alive; to show her how he truly felt all these years, how appreciative of him towards her support and help and unconditional love for him.

He cried because of regret - words that were never spoken when he still had the chance.

After listening to the old man, I felt a tear forming at the end of the lid of my right eye. No, the tear was not a result of my eye soreness! I was so touched by the old man's story, I started to cry. Yes, right in the middle of the clinic. And yes, in the middle of the clinic where there were still many patients waiting for their turns! But who would know if I was crying or not (except the old man)? I was having a sore eye, so my tears can be easily mistaken as a result of my eye soreness. WTH!

I left the clinic feeling like I discovered something so beautiful. It's not about the funerals and the tears people shed during the ceremony and it's certainly not about getting fascinated watching grown-ups cry like babies.

What I learned from the old man: while you still have the chance that is when you and your loved ones are still alive, tell them that you love them to show them how you truly feel inside and that you may never get the chance to say this to them again. It may sound stupid and crazy but love doesn't need a reason for someone to profess it. Say the words before it's too late. Otherwise, they would just be left as unspoken words.

The Most Romantic Thing (according to me)

There was an evening, some of my close friends and I were hanging out at a cafeteria after dinner. We talked and laughed a lot until the place was closed for the night. It was one of those nights every one was in the mood for talks and thoughts and laughter. We covered lots of topics and every one had to take turns to say something about every topic that was suggested on the table - no escaping. As expected, the topic on relationships came up and someone in the group asked the rest this "In your opinion, what is the most romantic thing a couple can do?"

When the question was thrown out, I was at a lost for words. Usually, I had a lot to say about anything at all and was seldom caught speechless. But that time, it was one of those awkward moments where I had to work my brain to crack something out. At the back of my head, I knew that my reputation for being recognized as the girl with many ideas, suggestions, words, opinions etc was at stake and was soon to be jeopardized.

And so, like every one else (while searching for an answer in my head), I sat there and listened to the others. My turn was the last (Thank goodness! At least, there was more time for me to think of the answer). Each person's answer must be different from the others (Oh darn! That meant no "copy-and-paste". Now, that's difficult!).

One of us mentioned that the most romantic thing a couple can do was to lie flat with your backs against the ground and admire the stars in the sky above at night. I thought, "Why didn't I think of that? That's romantic!" Another said, cuddling in each other's arms and talking to each other while listening to some soft music in the background. I thought, "Darn! I want that answer too!" The next said, going on a holiday together on a cruise or a beach holiday. And I thought, "Awww... holidays are always romantic, getting lost somewhere in the world together where no one knows you. I wish it was my turn to say this first!"

At last, it was my turn. I still had no answer. Everyone looked at me with so much intensity and anticipation, I thought I was going to suffer a heart attack. I opened my mouth and mumbled something. I was still thinking and all of a sudden, like a miracle, the answer just popped into my head (Oh how I sometimes love spontaneity!). As I spoke forth, I was convinced about the words that poured out of my mouth. And even up to today, I still believe this.

"I think the most romantic thing a couple can do is to grow old together. There's nothing more romantic than to live every moment in life together, age, grey and wrinkle together because every second of it is a memory that should be treasured and cherished and frozen in time as it only happens once in a lifetime. Growing old together is a series of life experiences a couple goes through, exclusive and special only to that particular couple; no one else would be able to share the same. Imagine, one day, both of you sitting on the front porch of your house you had both lived in for the past 4 decades, watching your own kids all grown up and your grandkids playing in the front yard. Both of you turned and smiled to each other, acknowledging the common satisfaction and pride that you both had fathered and mothered all of these throughout your lifetime together. One just cannot do without the other. Sometimes, it moves and stirs me inside to watch an old couple, walking side by side along the pedestrian walkway and still holding hands even at this age! They look and talk to each other with so much intensity and love that I am sometimes embarrassed to think that intense love and relationships only belong to the people my age. They had proven me wrong. I am ashamed to think and professed that I had loved my the other-half enough. What is my love for my the other-half as compared to the love intensity the old couple shared after so many years being together and still going strong? Love takes years to nurture; not every couple can succeed. Therefore, to me, growing old together is the most romantic thing a couple can do..."

And yes indeed, my reputation was saved. But more importantly, I learned something very heart-warming that evening.

Hidden Away by Josh Groban

Author's Note: To You-Know-Who-You-Are... I just want to tell you that I already know how you feel about me. Your actions speak louder than words. I am not blind, nor deaf. I observe and I listen. The things you say and do; the good things others speak about us. They are not lies, are they? Then what is it that is holding us back? Speak forth and don't let it be kept Hidden Away... for what is ours is right in front of our eyes.

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles will you watch for me
The sweetest feeling I've got inside
I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes
And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today
I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickering candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows
And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today
I want to feel your love
Will you reveal your love
Please don't keep your love
Hidden Away

I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

Enlightened

The Nightmare. It felt like a thousand years. It felt like forever and a day.

And now, words cannot even begin to describe the relief and the joy I feel inside. I have awoken from a deep sleep. I have awoken from It. I am now fully awake.

It is after a catastrophe like this one, people start to see and view things around them in a new light. I am no different from them. I guess it is a natural process - a stage where one is expected to experience after a personal struggle in life, especially when that struggle is love-related.

A month or so ago, my life was a roller-coaster ride - there were many highs and there were many lows as well. But the lows were far greater than the highs - each subsequent low was worse than the one before. Flashing back, I thought I was trying to make my life better; to find that balance between us; to find that compromise together, but I was wrong, I was denied all those and my heart was broken into pieces and my life was over... forever.

Or so I thought.

It came to my realization suddenly one day, while talking to a close friend, that I had long lost my optimism which I always knew I had since I was little. But the whole nightmare episode had made me realize that I had been a pessimist all this while. I was heading in the direction of hopelessness which I had built unconsciously around me. It just dawned upon me that every word I had uttered before was negative and no matter how hard I tried to be positive, I failed terribly. I had a choice, didn't I? But because I was adamant to stay on as being someone hopeless and self-pitied, I chose to be ignorant of the fact that I could turn all of this around, pick myself up and move on.

The other thing which I realized after the nightmare was that I had many good friends out there whom I had taken for granted and neglected when I was with him for the past 4 years. Friends do come and go but the good ones always stay. And I am blessed with so many of them who have stood by my side through thick and thin, supporting me all the way to recovery - to where I am now. Usually, it is during bad times like this, people start noticing who their true friends really are. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I owe it to these friends, my life just couldn't get any better than how it is now.

Freedom was something I only knew by name and not by experience. When I was still in a relationship, yes there was freedom but that freedom is not the same freedom I know today. The freedom I recognize today is of a different taste - far sweeter and more refreshing. I never knew this taste actually ever existed until after the relationship and the nightmare. I now feel liberated - my body does what it desires to do, my heart feels what it desires to feel, my mind thinks what it desires to think and my soul believes in what it desires to believe. It is like my eyes just open up suddenly and I see things in ways I've never seen them before. My heart is no longer dragged down by a big heavy bulk of negative emotions. I fill my thoughts with beautiful pictures, my eyes with beautiful colors, my nose with beautiful smells, my mouth with beautiful words, sentences and tastes, my ears with beautiful music and my skin with beautiful sensations. It is like I am almost a new creation except I am still myself - the real Me.

I am enlightened.

There Will Be Tears but They're Not Gonna Be Mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6fUQfS3SLo

By: Miranda Cosgrove
I don't know what you expected
But me to sit around and beg for you to stay
Can't you see what you've neglected
I don't know what you've been taking
Do I look like I was born just yesterday?
You're the one who will be breaking after all

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

You'll be begging for a shoulder
You'll be looking for someone to dry your eyes
But you ain't never getting over what we had
And you'll be crying like a baby
Cause you thought you'd be the one to say goodbye
And I hope it drives you crazy, oh yeah

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

You don't know what you got
'Till it goes away, goes away, baby
Anything that you lose
You're the one to blame
One to blame, so save it
Get it, get it can you wish
I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
There will be tears, oh yeah
But they're not gonna be mine

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

Beautiful Things I've Seen, Heard, Tasted, Smelled and Felt...

... like the early morning dew that formed on the petals of the white lilies.

... like the clouds of mist that spirited across the green fields at the break of dawn.

... like the innocent child who made the grown man cry.

... like the old couple who still adored and loved one another immensely.

... like the joyful smile on the faces of the parents when they witnessed their baby's first step.

... like the sweet taste of candy floss which melted in my mouth.

... like the long lost son who reunited with his family.

... like the sweet melody of the leaves of the trees which rustled in the wind.

... like the sight of white bubbly waves, rolling into the beach.

... like the big brown dog which saved the little kittens.

... like the tears shed by the father when giving away his daughter's hands to her husband-to-be on her wedding day.

... like the feeling of fresh mountain water which flowed under my feet.

... like the Moon which shined luminously in the dark sky above.

... like the pianist at the far end of the hall, playing a melancholic melody.

... like the toothless but contented grin of the homeless old woman who lived under the bridge.

... like the first bloom of cherry blossoms which announced the arrival of Spring.

... like the voice of the lover when he said "I Love You" to her. The whole world just stopped and it was the most beautiful moment ever.

The Aftermath - A Season to Love Again

When she thought that she could not go on living, you gave her a reason to live her life again.
Thank you. I'm happy leading my own life again. It's fabulous because of you.
When she felt cold and lonely, you shared with her your warmth.
Thank you. Your warmth is my companion.
When she sat at a corner feeling sad, you gave her your laughter.
Thank you. Your laughter is the best medicine.
When she was bored, you entertained her.
Thank you. You're a great entertainer.
When she needed a hug, you were always there to hold her.
Thank you. Your hug meant a lot to me.
When she was scared, you gave her courage.
Thank you. I shall not be afraid when I'm with you.
When she lost all faith in love, you reinvented the meaning of it and showed her what it was like to love and be loved again.
Thank you. It's a season to love again.

Sick No More

The Sun shone forcefully that very morning, with every effort to produce the brightest rays he could manage. Yet, the heat which came with his rays were not harsh but subtle, as if to give way for something good to happen.

The Wind did her part as well to welcome the good that was expected to come. She blew her best breeze, gentle and soothing, across the green fields to the top of the hill where the house of a sick girl stood.

The girl had been sick for months. But like The Sun and The Wind had anticipated, something good was about to happen soon. And so, they let Time take his course and do his magic.

And true enough, Time had done it once more in proving his power to heal the sick. With the help of The Sun's blinding rays, the sick girl's eyes were reopened, her eyelashes fluttered to life all of a sudden. The Wind also contributed; she blew her gentle soothing breeze into the girl's nostrils and resurrected her body to life.

The girl lunged-in a deep breath and sat up immediately. As if unsure of her surroundings or what to do next, she looked around frantically for help. Fortunately, she was comforted by the sight of her companions who had been sitting, waiting and praying fervently all along by her bedside since she fell sick. Their faithfulness and patience inspired her to move on, to carry on with life and to start anew, though knowing deep down that she was still going through a period of post-sickness - the painful after-effects were still felt immensely.

Hatred: certainly not something she would want to live with for the rest of her life. It is definitely going to take ages to completely erase the painful reminisce of her sickness which was caused by someone... or rather, more specifically two people.

And yet, despite the existence of this hatred, there is also a zest for life; she will continue to live her life to the fullest, not just for herself, but also for the people around her now - for the people who still love her, who appreciate her for who she is, the people who would never take her for granted or hurt her.

She will not allow you to break her for she is stronger now - strong enough to make your life the same fate she just escaped from. She just wants to thank you for making, pushing and forcing her to be this way towards you. But then again, know this. There is still room for forgiveness in her heart for you... only and only if you ask for it.

You left her to love again. 

And to love another even more for she still has lots of love left on the inside, which was once upon a time reserved for you, to give away to another who deserves it more.

Therefore, today, that sick girl is sick no more.

bits of emotions here and there

CHEATED.

ABUSED.

UNAPPRECIATED.

CONDEMNED.

TRASH.

UNCARED.

UNWANTED.

WASTED.

Hope you're happy now.

she feels Paradise

she opens the window and looks out into the space before her.

her eyes wander to as far as the green field stretches into the horizon, where the Sun was just beginning to present himself.

sparrows, sitting in pairs on the branches of the oak trees, as if like a choir, sing to a common soothing melody to her ears.

the smell of sweet lavenders fills her nostrils and the refreshing air of dawn fills her lungs.

and so, she feels Paradise.

while she continues to stand by the window, it suddenly occurs to her that she has not been feeling this way for a very long time.

before today, Sadness, Bitterness, Sorrow and Pain seemed to be her only friends.

but it is all going to change today...

because she feels Paradise.

today is promising.

her new friends are now Love, Joy and Peace.

she is happy being with them and doesn't want to trade them for anything in the world now.

she has crossed that hurdle of suffering and is now free from all sickness and pain.

she has come to a place where there is no more worries but only smiles...

as she feels Paradise.

her soul is left wandering in the green pasture afar.

old bitter memories are now no more.

sickness and pain are now history.

when today comes, it is...

when she feels Paradise.

7.30am

she turns to the clock by her bedside - 7.30am. the sun rays are beginning to creep through the crevices of her bedroom curtains. she shields her eyes from the blinding sunlight, turns towards her mobile phone, peeks at it with half-opened eyes - no messages, no missed calls and lastly, she heaves a long sigh.


her head feels like someone is inside it, knocking on the walls of her head. she knows there's nothing much she could do about it except to face the pain bravely. come a new morning, she wishes the pain would suddenly disappear. but it never does. it keeps knocking and knocking inside, hollowness follows. even if it does not stop, could there be someone she could at least share this burden with?


no one.


she is too afraid to tell, too afraid that others might suspect and too afraid that he will know the truth. she only wants this to pass by and be gone. would it be better if she just end her life? then all pain and sorrows would be gone?


she is unsure.


if she tells him the truth, how is he going to face it? can he stand the truth? what would his reaction be? how would he feel? how is he going to live his life after her life? or perhaps rather, he simply doesn't care if she dies?


so many questions.


but no answers.


it's better this way, she thinks, that he must not know the truth. it doesn't really matter anyway that he does not know the truth, because what is most important now is that he is still talking to her even though there are times when he is mean and cold and conversations turn into arguments. but she doesn't care -  as long as they are still talking to one another. she only wants to spend as much as possible of her only time left in this world with him - that is what matters the most to her now.


but does he know this?


so every morning at 7.30am, when she wakes up, tears form in her eyes.

A Reason To Exist

Author's note: I was rummaging thru one of those boxes I kept all my life treasures I've been collecting over the years - gifts and cards from loved ones, souvenirs bought from various places, photos of sweet memories and notes from friends etc; and I found this poem which I wrote 4 years ago and was suddenly reminded about the person who had inspired me to compose this piece... sigh... but here I am, re-posting it here.

the world was painted in shades of grey
i wondered how i had made it thru the day
spring turned into summer into autumn into winter
Life, in all of its great self, had proven all things impossible
my time had been spent in sorrows and sighs
life seemed to have just passed me by
and i don't know why
but when i suddenly glanced into your eyes
that's when i realized that i had been actually living a lie.

i searched all of my life for the missing pieces
for the hope, the courage, the purpose to live on
so i guess i was wrong
'cause i did not see that it was YOU all along
and all you wanted was for me to believe
when my hopes and dreams have shattered
you were always there for me
and you've made all things possible
and because of that, you're the only love i need
you were the part of life that i missed
but now you have given me a reason to exist.

i would never want to miss this
in my heart i know what this is
because every time we meet
the puzzle is complete
and every time we touch
the emotions are just too much
just imagine me without you
life would be so hard and i'd be so confused
i can never even last a day
without you there to see me thru
just watching you smile
makes my life worthwhile.

pieces of thoughts from a girl whose heart had been broken by a guy

"what did not break you would only make you stronger!
girl, this war was started by someone else, so why dwell in it?
you are now several steps ahead which means that you are taking it better than that person. so cheer up!"

:: there's a song in my talk, there's a waltz in my walk :: there's air in my nose, there's grace in my pose :: finally, the bubble popped and i could breathe again ::

when something tragic or a misery befalls us, we would always ask "why must this happen to me?" or "what did i do to deserve this?" but little did we know that the reason behind this incident lies something good for us: a lesson to learn so we would be stronger and wiser, a sign that we must not lean on our own understanding but His and also a blessing to others who are going through the same thing. think of this!

She is finally ready to move on. she's happy where today had brought her and is able to look back at that person and smile at him. she's now at a better position than he is. that is all that matters.

I only want to say this to you : For the last few months, you had changed so much into someone we hardly know - almost a total stranger. What have become of you? I only hope that you realize your mistake now and immediately change back into the person we used to know and love. You can do it!

I want to hate you but I know I should not. So I won't. But I am still as angry as ever because of what you had unbelievably done to me. I do not know when the wound would heal completely. All I know is that it's definitely gonna take more than just an apology.

I'm No Broken-Hearted Girl

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way, no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way, no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away from you

An Insult to the Name of Love

i'm cutting you off.
no. it should be: i had cut you off.
something birthed out of love ended in hatred.

the lies... i had not begin to mention, were devastating.
i shall not have you both take me as a fool, no longer.
i wanted a fresh start, you gave me a fake one.
i wanted happiness, you gave me a make-believe one.

both of you conspired behind my back.
both of you had me believing like an idiot.
do not think i did not know.
i know every single thing now and it's so clear.
the lies, the lies and the lies.

i want revenge to come upon you.
so you both could suffer the same fate.
i want both of you to feel guilty for the rest of your life.
because of your hypocrisy, your lies and your conspiracy.

i've seen, i've read, i've known and now understood.
you are no longer the guy i used to love.
that guy is now lost and dead.
that guy who used to touch my hand and we magically started.
that guy whom we both had encountered and persevered thru lots of hardships together.
that guy who shared his life with me.
that guy who once confided in me.
that guy who once loved me.
that guy is now DEAD.

because of a newly found love or perhaps lust,
you had lost your ever-loving girlfriend,
not only that, you had lost much more than that.

when someday, somewhen down the years,
you would look back - both of you,
and regret that you had taken this path of ruining someone else's life.

both of you, when known to others, would be hated and resented.
for what you both had done was unacceptable.
ruining a relationship for your own good.
and lying to me all this while,
both of you are now after all,
an insult to the name of Love.

she wonders

every day,
when the sun sets and shines its last ray,
when the wind dies and the world outside calms away,
there by the window at the edge of her bed,
she would always sits and stares blankly.

every day,
what she sees through her eyes, I know not.
but the tears that continue to stream down her cheeks tell me a story.
a story that seems so bitter and painful,
no one could ever fathom what it is.

every day,
she yearns to share the bitterness with someone,
she yearns for his listening ear,
she yearns for his crying shoulder,
she yearns for his touch,
she yearns for his consolation.

every day,
noises keep ringing in her head,
she tries hard to push them out,
and when she finally manages to shove them away for a start,
something or someone would always cause the noises once again.
she was at first encouraged and motivated,
people were starting to see her coming back alive,
but just as she was beginning to smile for the first time in a long while,
she was beaten again by him.

every day,
she wonders.
she wonders if this was all a revenge.
she wonders if he has changed into someone so cruel and mean.
she wonders if he still thinks of her like he always used to tell her.
she wonders if he still cares for her the way he used to.
she wonders if he still cherishes the special moments they used to share.
she wonders if those memories have been replaced by other things or another person in his life.
she wonders if he still knows what she likes and dislikes and still takes note about those.
she wonders if he still love her like how he used to.

all these questions are left unanswered. for as many times she tells him she would like to know those answers for her to move on and be happy, that many times she is rejected by him. yes, he wants her to move on, but how can she when he is withholding back his feelings?

and so she continues to wonder.

tired

she's tired.
tired of trying to get the message across to you.
tired of trying to get you to call her "dear" and "honey" in private and in public.
tired of trying to get a respond from you when she wrote to you about her feelings.
tired of trying to get your attention that she needed you.
tired of trying to get inside your mind.

she's tired.
tired of having to put up with your silence and cold response.
tired of having to face a guy who is mean and cruel.
tired of having to remain calm and all-loving even you are mad because she's afraid.
tired of having to fight someone that she loved so much.
tired of having to cry secretly alone for a man who showed little respect for her needs.

she's tired.
tired of being the only one who is interested in patching things up.
tired of being the only one who wants to be loved.
tired of being the only one who wants to be concerned for.
tired of being the only one who feels the need to call you and yet you did not welcome her.
tired of being the only one suffering.

she's tired. she's giving up. she's hopeless. something is beginning to die inside of her. and now she fears the worst - hatred - is setting in.

this Moment - thank you for letting me breathe again

choked.
i was grasping for air.
drowned in tears which overflowed from the reservoir of my eyes.
emotions were running high - anger, hatred, confusion - all lumped in one.
but who knew?
no one.

but thank you. thank you for letting me breathe again.
it was like you had finally come to your senses.
it was difficult - a journey which posted lots of obstacles.
but at the end of the day, both of us managed to stand tall and proudly announce to the world that we had finally made it!

yes indeed, it was our Moment - a glorious moment where others would look at it with envy - silently wishing theirs to be like our Moment.
but we are different from them.
that's why our Moment is unique.
we promised to ourselves that we would not let this Moment slip away but to hold it dear to our hearts.
when we forget, we will take it out from our pockets and re-live it just to be reminded again.
it is to remind us for as long as we still exist, this Moment would forever live.
this Moment is Us - You and Me.

a snip of thought

a simple request.

it goes to show one thing when that request is never fulfilled: he doesn't care.

why?

every time, she stared at her phone, she secretly hoped it would suddenly ring or an SMS would appear. lately, this gave her much thrill just by waiting and hoping that her empty phone screen would suddenly buzz to life with his calls and SMSes.

1 hour passed. And then 2. And then 3... and soon 12 hours. but the phone was as dead as ever.

the last time they spoke, he was in a hurry to do something. or rather, he was in a hurry to hang up the phone as he might probably find her calls and SMSes to him nuisance and unnecessary. all he said before he ended the conversation was "talk to you later." she quickly interjected, "i'd be waiting for you SMSes, will you SMS me?" he answered, "yes". *click*

but there were no SMSes throughout the day. but still, she waited and waited until she could stand it no more and decided to call him right away. when she dialled his number, the ringing tone continued into his voicemail box. she called a second time and there was still no answer. the third, he picked up with an angry greeting of "hello!" she asked him, "where are you now? still busy?" he sighed and answered, "at home already. resting." she asked, "oh! why didn't you call or SMS me to say you were home and resting?" he answered, "why must you keep asking this kind of question?" and there was silence from her side.

"why is he acting this way to me? all i want from him was for him to understand what i am feeling right now after the whole nightmare. he knows very well that between us, i am the most fragile one and at this particular point of time, it has been really difficult for me to pull thru - the most critical period ever for me. every time, i tried telling him this, he didn't seem like he would want to listen or he seemed like all this was nuisance and such a waste of time. i called him frequently and even more with each passing day was because he wouldn't answer my SMSes or pick up my calls or talk to me nicely, so i was kind of desperate to know what the reason was behind his cold act towards me. i was hurt. what can i do? i do not think i would be able to tell him all this again by mouth or through words as this topic had become somewhat monotonous to his ears. every night, i cried silently to sleep. my pillows were the listening audience, my blanket was the comforter."

"before what happened, i never really gave any thought about another relationship after this one. the sole reason being: he was the only one i want to be for the rest of my life even though if it takes a lifetime to achieve that. i had given so much love towards him until there was none left for another person after him. i could never really love another just like the way i loved him."

1433

Flashes

1. yesterday, she decided to take some fresh air by walking alone in the park. she wanted to think quietly about the situation they were going through alone by herself. knowing and accepting the fact they were now apart and trying very hard to maintain something as basic as friendship, she let her mind wander off on how she should lead her life after this. wait. for starters, could she even start this new life? why must this be so hard and difficult? why was she feeling like she was the only one suffering the pain? tears began forming in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks so quickly they became streams. she was not able to catch those tears in time by wiping them away. the sky above also cried with her. rain drops landed on her hair and some landed on her face. she looked up into the sky helplessly and that was when she remembered. the rain reminded her of the time both of them were helplessly caught in the rain on his motorbike. there were no raincoats so they were drenched wet. they found shelter at a nearest Shell petrol station which had been closed down and abandoned. there were several other motorcyclists who were suffering the same fate from the rain. soaking and shivering from the cold of the rain and the wind, he gave her his coat for warmth and wiped her dry with his hands as if they could absorb water. nevertheless, she was contented and "captured" that sweet moment in her heart. and after that day, every time it rained, this moment would flash back before her eyes. so vivid and alive.
2. she was driving back after meeting her client down town that afternoon. traffic was so bad that it jammed horribly and coincidentally, her car stopped a few minutes in front of a 24-hour McDonald's outlet. that very minute when she stared inside the windows of the outlet and saw a few couples savoring their McValue meals by the side of the windows, she remembered him again. back when they were still studying in the university, and when exams were just around the corner, both of them would head to the nearest McD outlet and sat there the whole day studying, accompanied by 2 cups of coffee. they drank so much coffee while studying there until they could not sleep at night. they would often laughed about it after that. it was one funny memory she had about the both of them.
3. it was lunch hour. and she parked her car and wanted to cross to the other side of the road to buy her lunch. as she was standing there by the edge of the road and waiting for her chance to cross that ever-busy road in town, she suddenly remembered. whenever the both of them crossed the road, be it a busy one or one with very few vehicles, he would always stand on her right in the direction of oncoming traffic, hold her right hand with his left tightly and led her across the road. in the beginning when he started doing this for her, he would tell her that if a car comes crashing in their direction, at least it's not her who would get hurt first. and at that moment, her heart skipped a beat and she quickly "captured" the moment in her mind.
4. it was a holiday she was looking forward to, because it was their first holiday together out of the country. and she had not seen him for 2 months already and now, she was walking in his direction with every step swifter and her eyes on him intensely. it was really a holiday to remember. they visited many places, they went shopping, they took many couple photos together, played on the beach where the big waves roll in, they ate romantic dinners together, talked late into the night, hugged and kissed each other and did many other things together. in one simple sentence, they were really happy to be near one another again. but little did they know that when they parted at the airport that day, that was the last time they would ever see each other as a couple. that was the last holiday they would have together. and that was the last kiss and hug they would share together. she wished she had seen this end coming and was able to "freeze" the moment longer and enjoy it. she did not manage to "capture" those last moments. she cried.
5. it was her first birthday which was celebrated with her friends at the university. it was her sophomore year. she was really happy that her friends threw her a surprise birthday party and thought how lucky she was to have friends like those. but that night, she got luckier when one of her friends whom she had been having a crush on, "confessed" his feelings towards her. in the car, as both of them were sitting side by side each other at the back of the car after the celebration, his left hand had "accidentally" touched her right hand which she placed candidly on the car seat. and when he realized that she didn't move her hand away, he grabbed it and held it. he whispered something tenderly into her ears. suddenly she felt warmth sweeping thru her body and she was never happier than she was at that moment. until the day she dies, she will forever remember this "captured" moment in her heart because that "captured" moment was when a love story was born - her first love.

These were some of the many vivid memories she had shared with him. She would want to remember and keep them this way through writing them down in words. There are more to come.

1433

when they were still together, he would call her "baby" or "darling" or "honey" or "sweetie" countless times. but now, she could just count the number of times he called her those using her own fingers. at certain days, the number was zero.

she tried to tell him about this, that she longed for him to return to how they used to be - how he used to call her those, countless times. but whenever she raised the subject, he would just shoved it away by saying "i will call you those when i feel like it... now i don't feel like calling you those, so i won't." though she was hurt deeply, but because she put her love for him first, she was willing to sacrifice by letting this subject go.

now that they are worlds apart and leading separate lives, the only bridge that is left between them is the phone. she treasured it very much even though sometimes the conversations were very short and sometimes, they turned really nasty. she would cry for hours after that. despite she hated the fact they were constantly arguing over the phone lately, but she knew in her heart that the conversations, no matter what the nature was- sweet, loving, memorable, or even nasty - they were too precious to her to let go. she loved him that much.

during her work, he would constantly popped up in her head. at times, she would imagine him standing there beside her. most of the time, there were many things around her which reminded her of him. without realizing, she would often let her mind wander off, thinking about what he was doing at the moment, the feelings he was feeling, the situations or problems he faced, or most of all, whether he was also thinking about her too at the same time, whether he was imagining her standing next to him, whether there were many things around him which reminded him of her as well. she would look at the phone, only suddenly realizing that the screen was empty - no SMSes, no missed calls. there she sat, fighting every urge inside of her - the temptation to dial his number and call him. "why should i be the one always calling him?" "why can't he call me?" "doesn't he feel the same way i am feeling right now?" "is he going through the same emotions i am going through?" "if yes, why won't he call?" "even if he's busy, he could have just SMSed to update me. it's ok if it's a short one or just a simple one like: i miss you dear." but she dialled his number anyway. but the conversations always ended either with her in tears or he was busy or he didn't feel like talking to her. little did he know that his updates were a source of energy to her. he didn't know that his words inspired her. he didn't know that he was very important to her now. every time, she reminded him to update her via SMSes, he would say "i will." but he never did on his own accord. the only time when he SMSed her was when she SMSed first to him and he just replied. she didn't need the updates like almost every hour. she only needed several SMSes sent by his own willingness a day. was that hard to do?

her heart was broken - many times. but still she persevered because she knew what she was doing - she needed this in order for her to be strong on her own again. his voice was her inspiration and strength. she knew she had to stand on her own two feet but at the moment, she needed him especially in this critical period. she believed she will be strong again one day and eventually. it's just that she needed him now for her to take that first step to move on by herself.

friendship. it meant a lot to her. not just any friendship - just this particular one. whenever she spoke to him, even when he was busy and didn't want to talk to her, she was happy that he was now filling up his time with many things. yes, frankly, she felt hurt that her concern over the phone was returned with his cold statements or one-syllable words like "yes" and "no" and followed by "i need to go now". there was no questions from him to her asking how she was doing, how was her day, what were she doing now etc. she had raised this up too to him, but like before, he just shoved it away by saying "don't tell me to ask you those questions. i will ask them when i feel like it." she didn't pursue further after that because she wanted this friendship - all that was left between them.

the more she raised all these topics to him, the more he was agitated. she, on the other hand, felt as if he was avoiding her, that he thought she was becoming a nuisance to him. she didn't mean to be that way towards him, she was just desperate to move on. but first, she needed him to move on but he was not there.

even though they are far away now from each other, all she wanted from him was to feel loved by him, cared by him and concerned by him. although she had accepted the fact that we were far from each other, she didn't mind in her heart to do all these to him unconditionally - she knew that she had to keep her distance now and the most she could ever be to him now was to be a person whom he can rely on, share his feelings and thoughts freely, have shoulder to cry on, and a listening ears to him. he just had to let her in. if not, she will die. now, she could only love him from afar... in silence.

No matter what, 1433.

Scribbles

now i know how he felt when i spoke about J. when he spoke about L or whenever the L topic came up, my heart twisted in jealousy, pierced with pain. all of a sudden, i felt like i was the 3rd party, just as he had felt whenever the J topic arises.

you may say many things which aren't true about me. but what i know and feel is genuine. you may say that i was fake, though it hurt me a lot, but it's enough for me to know that what i feel or whether i cared or concerned you was real.

i am sorry for how things have turned out. but in my heart, despite of J, there is still only him, Y. you may not notice it and had always thought that all this while, you were sharing places with other people in my heart. but that wasn't true, because up till now, there is only you.

He

He walked into a room filled with people. People who were too engrossed in their own conversations. Conversations about their jobs, about their relationships, about their properties and about many other things. Things of which did not seem to interest him or cross his mind. His mind was on heading to the corner of the room where a little window opened into the night. The night of when he desperately longed for a companion. A companion who may be a friend, a man or a lady, or better still, a stranger. A stranger whom he wished would take his mind off his problems for awhile or perhaps, a stranger who would replace his loneliness. Loneliness which he had been wanting to erase for a long time. Time which he did not want to waste no more for someone who had betrayed his love. His love was better off spent on another woman. Another woman who would fill every empty hole of his heart and satisfy his every desire. His every desire is now focussed on one particular lady, alone by herself in the opposite corner of the room. The opposite corner of the room is where I am now standing.

that moment

that moment was when the world stopped spinning and there was only you and me
that moment was when i suddenly felt a warm rush running thru my body and i blushed
that moment was when i saw that softness in your eyes and i felt safe for the first time
that moment was when the clouds parted and out came the sun, beaming
that moment was when you swept me off my feet and had me flying on your wings
that moment was when i thought i only needed you to breathe
that moment was when the dry dessert became a bed of roses
that moment was when my every problem became unimportant
that moment was when i could feel you on every inch square of my skin
that moment was when i saw the sweetest smile on your face
that moment was when i didn't want to be anywhere else but with you in this place
that moment was when it was nothing but the truth
that moment was when you looked into my eyes and said "i love you."