joanne: in my own words

Let me sing a song for you,
Please sit and listen to the tune,
This ain't no song of greatness,
But only a voice of a girl,
Singing about her world.

So let me sing a song for you,
Please please please, do listen to the tune,
All I wish is for you to hear me,
As I sing about my days,
Now sing with me if you may.

Monday, August 2, 2010


when they were still together, he would call her "baby" or "darling" or "honey" or "sweetie" countless times. but now, she could just count the number of times he called her those using her own fingers. at certain days, the number was zero.

she tried to tell him about this, that she longed for him to return to how they used to be - how he used to call her those, countless times. but whenever she raised the subject, he would just shoved it away by saying "i will call you those when i feel like it... now i don't feel like calling you those, so i won't." though she was hurt deeply, but because she put her love for him first, she was willing to sacrifice by letting this subject go.

now that they are worlds apart and leading separate lives, the only bridge that is left between them is the phone. she treasured it very much even though sometimes the conversations were very short and sometimes, they turned really nasty. she would cry for hours after that. despite she hated the fact they were constantly arguing over the phone lately, but she knew in her heart that the conversations, no matter what the nature was- sweet, loving, memorable, or even nasty - they were too precious to her to let go. she loved him that much.

during her work, he would constantly popped up in her head. at times, she would imagine him standing there beside her. most of the time, there were many things around her which reminded her of him. without realizing, she would often let her mind wander off, thinking about what he was doing at the moment, the feelings he was feeling, the situations or problems he faced, or most of all, whether he was also thinking about her too at the same time, whether he was imagining her standing next to him, whether there were many things around him which reminded him of her as well. she would look at the phone, only suddenly realizing that the screen was empty - no SMSes, no missed calls. there she sat, fighting every urge inside of her - the temptation to dial his number and call him. "why should i be the one always calling him?" "why can't he call me?" "doesn't he feel the same way i am feeling right now?" "is he going through the same emotions i am going through?" "if yes, why won't he call?" "even if he's busy, he could have just SMSed to update me. it's ok if it's a short one or just a simple one like: i miss you dear." but she dialled his number anyway. but the conversations always ended either with her in tears or he was busy or he didn't feel like talking to her. little did he know that his updates were a source of energy to her. he didn't know that his words inspired her. he didn't know that he was very important to her now. every time, she reminded him to update her via SMSes, he would say "i will." but he never did on his own accord. the only time when he SMSed her was when she SMSed first to him and he just replied. she didn't need the updates like almost every hour. she only needed several SMSes sent by his own willingness a day. was that hard to do?

her heart was broken - many times. but still she persevered because she knew what she was doing - she needed this in order for her to be strong on her own again. his voice was her inspiration and strength. she knew she had to stand on her own two feet but at the moment, she needed him especially in this critical period. she believed she will be strong again one day and eventually. it's just that she needed him now for her to take that first step to move on by herself.

friendship. it meant a lot to her. not just any friendship - just this particular one. whenever she spoke to him, even when he was busy and didn't want to talk to her, she was happy that he was now filling up his time with many things. yes, frankly, she felt hurt that her concern over the phone was returned with his cold statements or one-syllable words like "yes" and "no" and followed by "i need to go now". there was no questions from him to her asking how she was doing, how was her day, what were she doing now etc. she had raised this up too to him, but like before, he just shoved it away by saying "don't tell me to ask you those questions. i will ask them when i feel like it." she didn't pursue further after that because she wanted this friendship - all that was left between them.

the more she raised all these topics to him, the more he was agitated. she, on the other hand, felt as if he was avoiding her, that he thought she was becoming a nuisance to him. she didn't mean to be that way towards him, she was just desperate to move on. but first, she needed him to move on but he was not there.

even though they are far away now from each other, all she wanted from him was to feel loved by him, cared by him and concerned by him. although she had accepted the fact that we were far from each other, she didn't mind in her heart to do all these to him unconditionally - she knew that she had to keep her distance now and the most she could ever be to him now was to be a person whom he can rely on, share his feelings and thoughts freely, have shoulder to cry on, and a listening ears to him. he just had to let her in. if not, she will die. now, she could only love him from afar... in silence.

No matter what, 1433.

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