Blank

Sitting in front of my laptop. Staring blankly at the beeping cursor. Thinking deeply about what I should be writing here.

It seems to me I'm experiencing some kind of a writer's block here. In search for the most suitable words or perhaps, I'm currently at a lost for words. No inspiration to write. But why?

So much has happened lately in such a short period of time. It's something like this. You've been given an inch thick romance novel to read within one minute. Do you even have time to turn the pages? There is so much to process in so little time. And on top of that, you would like to give your feedbacks on what you've been given to read for the past one minute.

I find that sometimes, our love stories are exactly like the ones from the movies - so coincidental, so planned and so predictable. But our love stories can also be extremely complicated at the same time. There is no way of telling how it starts and continues and of course how it ends, if the most unfortunate must happen.

I, myself, am caught up in a situation which involves a possible end to a love story and probably, a start to a new one. Well, we all hate to be in a situation like this - a situation of uncertainty; a situation where you are torn between two, unsure about which road is the best to take. It sucks, doesn't it?

But what I can really say is that I do agree with that one person despite hating the fact of having to sit around and wait some more. Let Time do the work and Love will take its own course, naturally.

To that one person, the ball is in your court now. We have come a long way and have had histories. Years ago, we boarded the same boat but I chose to jump off and left you sailing on your own. It wasn't our time. After that, you went on a new boat and I did the same and we headed for different directions. But what if we are crossing paths now? I've explained all there is to know about me. This has nothing to do with the other person. This is solely about you and me.

Loneliness & Her

Sitting by the window, she stared emptily into the dark heavy clouds above.
Even before it rained, she suddenly felt that the cold was already setting in.
So, she pulled a thick blanket around her to conserve all the warmth she needed.
But it wasn't about the cold from the rain she was trying to avoid.
It was the Cold of being alone.

The rain had finally set in. The sun had disappeared. And she was all alone.
She surrounded herself with a dozen of lit candles.
A fierce fire was already blazing in the fireplace.
She quickly filled the atmosphere with a soft music playing in the background.
But nothing... nothing she did could ever overcome Loneliness that was reigning in her.

Soon, hot tears came streaming down her cheeks.
How she wished there was a hand held out to wipe those precious tears for her.
Her heart was aching and crying out loud, begging for attention.
But no one was around to hear her sorrows - her sorrows of a lost love.

Little did she realize that she had committed herself voluntarily to this living hell.
But deep down, she longed to be loved once again.
She knew this was impossible.
Because no one could ever love her the way he did.
He was irreplaceable.

So, every day, ever since that day, she would sit by the window and stare emptily into the skies above.
The skies were always dark and gloomy, each time threatening to rain.
There was never sunshine nor even a bird chirping in the air; only silence, coldness, numbness, darkness, nothingness...
And of course, there also, was Loneliness.

Sunshine after the Rain

i conqured Desolation.

the dark clouds part. and the Sun is beaming again. i feel his rays on my raw skin. his warmth seeping into my veins. i could feel the gentle wind blowing and the smell of vanilla in my nostrils.

i told you, Desolation. i will conquer you and now you fear me. you have no control of me for i have sent you into eternal damnation.

now, i feel whole again. the whole world smiling at me. and my days are getting brighter. i can now smell the familiar sweet scent of moist soil beneath my feet. the smell i’ve almost forgotten in my earlier days.

and now, i wear a silent smile on my face and am excitedly anticipating…

Desolation

this familiar feeling of Desolation. i know you too well. you have been knocking on my door a few times. but i pretend not to hear you. i refuse to open the door for you.

you can knock again for all i care. but you must not get the best of me because i will not let you. even though i’m left with this heart of void and bitter coldness, i will still hang on with every unit of energy and warmth left in my body.

although i fear you, Desolation, for you have painted me a string of grey and black dreams, threatening me to let go, i will not let you reign under any circumstance at all. i will hold on with every last strength and will in me to defeat you, to silent you and to send you to eternal banishment.

although you always hover over me like a stormy cloud, and leave me here on this abandoned beach where the waves beat so hard and the wind howls like a hyena, i will survive you. i will calm the storm and the sea, and the dark clouds will part and the sun will shine brightly once again.

Desolation, you will fear me…

bring me home

this is for you. i hope you read this.

"i just wanna feel your arms around me again,

and see the smile carved across your face.

i want things to return the same,

please tell me that this is just a phase.

at times, i can’t seem to comprehend,

why you’re no longer you,

you’re not the man i used to love,

just tell me this isn’t true.

i want it to be just me and you

don’t you love me too?

i don’t wanna live this life alone

so please, i beg u to bring me home."

Letters to Nayzi

2006
tonight, my heart skips a beat. the warmth of your hand on mine still lingers. you whisper something into my ear though i couldn't really make out the words. but who cares? what's most important is that you have touched my hand; held it tight tonight. and i know, ...no, we BOTH know what that means.

2007
a year ago, it all began. though we belong to two different worlds, you still give me cherished memories of a year which feels like a lifetime. i shall never forget your kisses, your embraces, your warmth, your care and love which have brought new meaning to my life. thank you. i love you too.

2008
this year was filled with many reminisces. there were many snapshots of sweet memories together but the bitter ones also existed and yes, they were more enduring than the sweet ones. if there were any successes which we could both boast about, it should be about how we overcame our differences and turned bitter memories into sugary ones. i want to remember this year in this way.

2009
thank you for another lesson-filled year. though we are worlds apart now, my heart stays with you and yours with mine. you taught me to be stronger, more matured and independent. you always assured me that i could always keep running back to you when i needed someone. you would hold out your arms wide opened to welcome me or to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on. i still love you, more than ever.

2015
you caught me by surprise when you flew all the way from where you were to celebrate my birthday. i was so happy i was going to cry but fought back my tears of joy. but you somehow successfully made me cry those tears when you got down on knee, popped out a beautiful diamond ring and proposed out loud in front of my family and friends. so here we are today, on our wedding day. you made me fall in love with you all over again. till death do us part.

2016
congratulations, hubby!!! our first baby boy!!! he has your big brown eyes and not to mention those to-die-for fluttery eyelashes. he's the most handsome man in the world, after you of course... tears are filling my eyes now. hubby, i am so happy to have your child. thank you and i love you.

2018
not again? another one coming? no. what? twins? wow! a boy and a girl. wow! dear, your dream came true. you had always wanted a pair of twins. now here they come. dear, i am so happy to be able to share this with you. there is no one in this world who could give me the joy you bring.

2050
44 years since the first touch, you continued to love me. our kids are all grown up. our kids' kids are growing up too. what other happiness would i want to wish for other than the one i am experiencing here with you now. you are still the first thing i see when i wake in the morning and the last when i go to sleep. i wish we could live like this together forever. we have been through so much to come to what we have built till now. the most romantic thing to do right now is growing old together, side by side, living the last days of our lives. i am so proud to be your wife. thank you for cherishing me. i love you too, dear.

2062
today, you left me. physically, yes. not emotionally. for you are always in my heart and in my heart is where you will always stay. we have foreseen today coming. one will leave another. that's part and parcel of life. but i would want you to know just this one thing. i have always loved you. and i would still be loving you till my very... last... breath.

Love,
J.T.

Legacy

The day seemed to be so still. No wind, no leaves rustling, no birds chirping. Nothing. Even the Sun was shining half-heartedly. There was something different in the air. Perhaps, it was the weather. Or maybe, it was the people.

But no. It's not the weather, and neither the people. It was something that was going on in that house. Men dressed in black suits and women who covered their faces in black veils were going in and coming out of the house. A lady was standing at the door acknowledging every person that passed her by. It seemed like she was the owner of the house. Also dressed in black and her face covered in a black net veil, the lady wore the most solemn face in the world. That "something" which was going on in that house smelled like "death". Oh right, now everything made sense. Someone dear had just passed away in that house. And it happened to be the lady's husband.

They were newly-weds. They had been dating since back in sophomore year. A year ago, they decided to spend the rest of their lives with each other by tying the knot. Their wedding was the sweetest and most wonderful wedding a couple could ever dream of. It was such a lovely sight to see two people, a man and a lady, who were so deeply in love with each other, happily married.

Call it Fate. Call it Destiny. Yesterday morning, as he was leaving the house for work, he kissed her goodbye at the door. Little did she know that that kiss would be the last kiss he would ever give her. An hour after that, she received a call from the police that her husband had just met with a terrible accident in town. He was in critical condition and fighting for his life. She rushed to the hospital to be with him. There on the hospital bed, he looked so messed up, so weak, so fragile. When she saw him, tears were welling up her eyes. She fought back the tears because she knew that he didn't like to see her cry. It would only make the situation worse. He always hated to see her sad because nothing would make him sadder to see her sad face. She felt his pain. She felt that she was losing him. And so, she held his hand, squeezing it tightly. He blinked a little to acknowledge her presence. She was shaking in fear, preparing for the worst. He signaled for her to come closer to his face. She bent forward towards him. Feebly, he whispered into her ear "Honey, I love you." She nodded and professed, "Darling, I love you too. Please don't leave me... Please!" Even in his pain, he managed to smile at her, trying to tell her that everything'd be all right... very soon.

As the guests left, one by one, she was beginning to feel the silence. Not to mention, the coldness and the emptiness. She was now alone. For hours, she sat at the edge of the bed, wondering what was left in her life. The house had too many memories of which they both shared. Each was flashing before her eyes. Tired. But so much to reminisce. The kitchen where they had cooked together as man and wife, the dining table where they had sat eating together, the couch where they had slept on, wrapped in each other's arms on a cold winter night, and the same bed she was sitting on right now where they had made passionate love. None of these would ever happen again. All that was left now were just as they were - memories...

Seconds. Minutes. Hours and days had passed. She still felt the emptiness. His absence. She missed him dearly and sometimes found herself crying in the middle of the night, soaking up the pillows. The walls were her only audience. And in one of such nights, she woke up with a funny feeling in her stomach. Instead of spending the remaining night in tears, she was vomitting in the bathroom. And as she was beginning to think that her life was meaningless and that it was just a matter of time, she had discovered a new hope. Or perhaps, he has not left after all. He had given her something to believe in and to hope for. He had given her life. Joy began filling her every corner. She felt warm again. She felt life. He was growing in her. And she knew with all her heart that this was it. The loneliness and the emptiness before this were temporary. She had something to live for now. His legacy. His son.

Miss You Serenade

it's eight...and ticking.

what am i waiting for?
i don't know.

i used to have lots of things to count down to.
new year's day. birthdays. anniversaries.
and of course, meeting you again.
we used to have dates for everything together.
you and me.
but now, we don't even know what we have,
let alone, dates to look forward to.

we are one and yet, we are not.
i feel you so strongly inside of me,
filling me up every corner and nook,
but still, it's empty.

my heart is empty,
my heart is decaying,
it's hungry and it's thirsty,
wanting to be satisfied.
i don't know much,
but just this one truth,
i know that i miss you.

every day,
when the sun shines its last ray,
i wait for you.
i wanna feel your arms around me,
hold me like you always do.
as you tuck me into bed at night and turn off the light,
i wanna feel your warmth enveloping me,
telling me that i would be safe tonight.
i like the way you play my hair,
i love the way you whisper tenderly into my ear.
i just wanna feel you,
won't you please, come back here,
because tomorrow morning,
i know that you'd be gone,
when i open my eyes,
knowing no one's beside.

if i am left with one wish in this world,
i want it to be you.
i want you to be the first thing i wake up to in the morning,
and the last, when night falls.

2 Strangers

it was a rainy afternoon.
unforeseen or destined,
the meeting of 2 strangers under an old wooden shed.
little did they know,
this meeting was much more than that,
much more than just a man and a lady,
seeking shelter from the cries of the heavens.

both were drenched.
droplets of water gathering in a pool beneath their feet.
instead of Coldness, it was Awkwardness that filled the air.
each occupying a side of the shed,
standing and thinking: what could possibly be more odd than this?

he stole a look at her.
she was undeniably beautiful.
she responded with a look from the corner of her eyes.
he was irresistibly handsome.

oddity was something both were not prepared to face.
let alone, trapped by the rain in this meeting,
unforeseen or destined, at this place.
is this pure coincidence or is this arranged by Him?
but whatever it is, this could be more than it seems.

whatever happened then, under that old wooden shed,
on that rainy afternoon, let us not know.
the end of the story should be left untold.
i do not want to write about how it should end,
of whether they ended up together or stayed as friends,
though i'd very much like to see 2 people,
sharing their lives together,
and being madly in love with one another.

Wake Me Up

sleeping.

and wanting to wake up.

i am just waiting for the right time to rise;
waiting for that something to shake me from my slumber;
perhaps waiting for a person, not a thing;
and waiting for that right moment to dawn.

it feels like a thousand years of silence,
still and cold and sometimes colder.
it feels like i am walking aimlessly in a dream so long,
so vivid and so real, it scares me to my core.

my eyes are tired;
tired of being shut out from the light.
my limbs are numb,
for they have not moved a muscle since forever.
my lips are dry;
waiting for the key to my awakening,
like the princess in sleeping beauty to hers.

so won't you come and revive me?
give me that key and breathe air into my nostrils.
give me that warmth of life i've been waiting for.
open my eyes and bring light into me.

save me, please, won't you?
whoever you are, save me now, i beg you.
free me please from this prison of sleep,
let me rise from the deep,
free me please from this pain,
i could never be the same again.

wake me, wake me, wake me...