bits of emotions here and there

CHEATED.

ABUSED.

UNAPPRECIATED.

CONDEMNED.

TRASH.

UNCARED.

UNWANTED.

WASTED.

Hope you're happy now.

she feels Paradise

she opens the window and looks out into the space before her.

her eyes wander to as far as the green field stretches into the horizon, where the Sun was just beginning to present himself.

sparrows, sitting in pairs on the branches of the oak trees, as if like a choir, sing to a common soothing melody to her ears.

the smell of sweet lavenders fills her nostrils and the refreshing air of dawn fills her lungs.

and so, she feels Paradise.

while she continues to stand by the window, it suddenly occurs to her that she has not been feeling this way for a very long time.

before today, Sadness, Bitterness, Sorrow and Pain seemed to be her only friends.

but it is all going to change today...

because she feels Paradise.

today is promising.

her new friends are now Love, Joy and Peace.

she is happy being with them and doesn't want to trade them for anything in the world now.

she has crossed that hurdle of suffering and is now free from all sickness and pain.

she has come to a place where there is no more worries but only smiles...

as she feels Paradise.

her soul is left wandering in the green pasture afar.

old bitter memories are now no more.

sickness and pain are now history.

when today comes, it is...

when she feels Paradise.

7.30am

she turns to the clock by her bedside - 7.30am. the sun rays are beginning to creep through the crevices of her bedroom curtains. she shields her eyes from the blinding sunlight, turns towards her mobile phone, peeks at it with half-opened eyes - no messages, no missed calls and lastly, she heaves a long sigh.


her head feels like someone is inside it, knocking on the walls of her head. she knows there's nothing much she could do about it except to face the pain bravely. come a new morning, she wishes the pain would suddenly disappear. but it never does. it keeps knocking and knocking inside, hollowness follows. even if it does not stop, could there be someone she could at least share this burden with?


no one.


she is too afraid to tell, too afraid that others might suspect and too afraid that he will know the truth. she only wants this to pass by and be gone. would it be better if she just end her life? then all pain and sorrows would be gone?


she is unsure.


if she tells him the truth, how is he going to face it? can he stand the truth? what would his reaction be? how would he feel? how is he going to live his life after her life? or perhaps rather, he simply doesn't care if she dies?


so many questions.


but no answers.


it's better this way, she thinks, that he must not know the truth. it doesn't really matter anyway that he does not know the truth, because what is most important now is that he is still talking to her even though there are times when he is mean and cold and conversations turn into arguments. but she doesn't care -  as long as they are still talking to one another. she only wants to spend as much as possible of her only time left in this world with him - that is what matters the most to her now.


but does he know this?


so every morning at 7.30am, when she wakes up, tears form in her eyes.

A Reason To Exist

Author's note: I was rummaging thru one of those boxes I kept all my life treasures I've been collecting over the years - gifts and cards from loved ones, souvenirs bought from various places, photos of sweet memories and notes from friends etc; and I found this poem which I wrote 4 years ago and was suddenly reminded about the person who had inspired me to compose this piece... sigh... but here I am, re-posting it here.

the world was painted in shades of grey
i wondered how i had made it thru the day
spring turned into summer into autumn into winter
Life, in all of its great self, had proven all things impossible
my time had been spent in sorrows and sighs
life seemed to have just passed me by
and i don't know why
but when i suddenly glanced into your eyes
that's when i realized that i had been actually living a lie.

i searched all of my life for the missing pieces
for the hope, the courage, the purpose to live on
so i guess i was wrong
'cause i did not see that it was YOU all along
and all you wanted was for me to believe
when my hopes and dreams have shattered
you were always there for me
and you've made all things possible
and because of that, you're the only love i need
you were the part of life that i missed
but now you have given me a reason to exist.

i would never want to miss this
in my heart i know what this is
because every time we meet
the puzzle is complete
and every time we touch
the emotions are just too much
just imagine me without you
life would be so hard and i'd be so confused
i can never even last a day
without you there to see me thru
just watching you smile
makes my life worthwhile.

pieces of thoughts from a girl whose heart had been broken by a guy

"what did not break you would only make you stronger!
girl, this war was started by someone else, so why dwell in it?
you are now several steps ahead which means that you are taking it better than that person. so cheer up!"

:: there's a song in my talk, there's a waltz in my walk :: there's air in my nose, there's grace in my pose :: finally, the bubble popped and i could breathe again ::

when something tragic or a misery befalls us, we would always ask "why must this happen to me?" or "what did i do to deserve this?" but little did we know that the reason behind this incident lies something good for us: a lesson to learn so we would be stronger and wiser, a sign that we must not lean on our own understanding but His and also a blessing to others who are going through the same thing. think of this!

She is finally ready to move on. she's happy where today had brought her and is able to look back at that person and smile at him. she's now at a better position than he is. that is all that matters.

I only want to say this to you : For the last few months, you had changed so much into someone we hardly know - almost a total stranger. What have become of you? I only hope that you realize your mistake now and immediately change back into the person we used to know and love. You can do it!

I want to hate you but I know I should not. So I won't. But I am still as angry as ever because of what you had unbelievably done to me. I do not know when the wound would heal completely. All I know is that it's definitely gonna take more than just an apology.

I'm No Broken-Hearted Girl

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way, no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way, no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away from you