joanne: in my own words

Let me sing a song for you,
Please sit and listen to the tune,
This ain't no song of greatness,
But only a voice of a girl,
Singing about her world.

So let me sing a song for you,
Please please please, do listen to the tune,
All I wish is for you to hear me,
As I sing about my days,
Now sing with me if you may.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


The Nightmare. It felt like a thousand years. It felt like forever and a day.

And now, words cannot even begin to describe the relief and the joy I feel inside. I have awoken from a deep sleep. I have awoken from It. I am now fully awake.

It is after a catastrophe like this one, people start to see and view things around them in a new light. I am no different from them. I guess it is a natural process - a stage where one is expected to experience after a personal struggle in life, especially when that struggle is love-related.

A month or so ago, my life was a roller-coaster ride - there were many highs and there were many lows as well. But the lows were far greater than the highs - each subsequent low was worse than the one before. Flashing back, I thought I was trying to make my life better; to find that balance between us; to find that compromise together, but I was wrong, I was denied all those and my heart was broken into pieces and my life was over... forever.

Or so I thought.

It came to my realization suddenly one day, while talking to a close friend, that I had long lost my optimism which I always knew I had since I was little. But the whole nightmare episode had made me realize that I had been a pessimist all this while. I was heading in the direction of hopelessness which I had built unconsciously around me. It just dawned upon me that every word I had uttered before was negative and no matter how hard I tried to be positive, I failed terribly. I had a choice, didn't I? But because I was adamant to stay on as being someone hopeless and self-pitied, I chose to be ignorant of the fact that I could turn all of this around, pick myself up and move on.

The other thing which I realized after the nightmare was that I had many good friends out there whom I had taken for granted and neglected when I was with him for the past 4 years. Friends do come and go but the good ones always stay. And I am blessed with so many of them who have stood by my side through thick and thin, supporting me all the way to recovery - to where I am now. Usually, it is during bad times like this, people start noticing who their true friends really are. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I owe it to these friends, my life just couldn't get any better than how it is now.

Freedom was something I only knew by name and not by experience. When I was still in a relationship, yes there was freedom but that freedom is not the same freedom I know today. The freedom I recognize today is of a different taste - far sweeter and more refreshing. I never knew this taste actually ever existed until after the relationship and the nightmare. I now feel liberated - my body does what it desires to do, my heart feels what it desires to feel, my mind thinks what it desires to think and my soul believes in what it desires to believe. It is like my eyes just open up suddenly and I see things in ways I've never seen them before. My heart is no longer dragged down by a big heavy bulk of negative emotions. I fill my thoughts with beautiful pictures, my eyes with beautiful colors, my nose with beautiful smells, my mouth with beautiful words, sentences and tastes, my ears with beautiful music and my skin with beautiful sensations. It is like I am almost a new creation except I am still myself - the real Me.

I am enlightened.

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