i'm cutting you off.
no. it should be: i had cut you off.
something birthed out of love ended in hatred.
the lies... i had not begin to mention, were devastating.
i shall not have you both take me as a fool, no longer.
i wanted a fresh start, you gave me a fake one.
i wanted happiness, you gave me a make-believe one.
both of you conspired behind my back.
both of you had me believing like an idiot.
do not think i did not know.
i know every single thing now and it's so clear.
the lies, the lies and the lies.
i want revenge to come upon you.
so you both could suffer the same fate.
i want both of you to feel guilty for the rest of your life.
because of your hypocrisy, your lies and your conspiracy.
i've seen, i've read, i've known and now understood.
you are no longer the guy i used to love.
that guy is now lost and dead.
that guy who used to touch my hand and we magically started.
that guy whom we both had encountered and persevered thru lots of hardships together.
that guy who shared his life with me.
that guy who once confided in me.
that guy who once loved me.
that guy is now DEAD.
because of a newly found love or perhaps lust,
you had lost your ever-loving girlfriend,
not only that, you had lost much more than that.
when someday, somewhen down the years,
you would look back - both of you,
and regret that you had taken this path of ruining someone else's life.
both of you, when known to others, would be hated and resented.
for what you both had done was unacceptable.
ruining a relationship for your own good.
and lying to me all this while,
both of you are now after all,
an insult to the name of Love.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
she wonders
every day,
when the sun sets and shines its last ray,
when the wind dies and the world outside calms away,
there by the window at the edge of her bed,
she would always sits and stares blankly.
every day,
what she sees through her eyes, I know not.
but the tears that continue to stream down her cheeks tell me a story.
a story that seems so bitter and painful,
no one could ever fathom what it is.
every day,
she yearns to share the bitterness with someone,
she yearns for his listening ear,
she yearns for his crying shoulder,
she yearns for his touch,
she yearns for his consolation.
every day,
noises keep ringing in her head,
she tries hard to push them out,
and when she finally manages to shove them away for a start,
something or someone would always cause the noises once again.
she was at first encouraged and motivated,
people were starting to see her coming back alive,
but just as she was beginning to smile for the first time in a long while,
she was beaten again by him.
every day,
she wonders.
she wonders if this was all a revenge.
she wonders if he has changed into someone so cruel and mean.
she wonders if he still thinks of her like he always used to tell her.
she wonders if he still cares for her the way he used to.
she wonders if he still cherishes the special moments they used to share.
she wonders if those memories have been replaced by other things or another person in his life.
she wonders if he still knows what she likes and dislikes and still takes note about those.
she wonders if he still love her like how he used to.
all these questions are left unanswered. for as many times she tells him she would like to know those answers for her to move on and be happy, that many times she is rejected by him. yes, he wants her to move on, but how can she when he is withholding back his feelings?
and so she continues to wonder.
when the sun sets and shines its last ray,
when the wind dies and the world outside calms away,
there by the window at the edge of her bed,
she would always sits and stares blankly.
every day,
what she sees through her eyes, I know not.
but the tears that continue to stream down her cheeks tell me a story.
a story that seems so bitter and painful,
no one could ever fathom what it is.
every day,
she yearns to share the bitterness with someone,
she yearns for his listening ear,
she yearns for his crying shoulder,
she yearns for his touch,
she yearns for his consolation.
every day,
noises keep ringing in her head,
she tries hard to push them out,
and when she finally manages to shove them away for a start,
something or someone would always cause the noises once again.
she was at first encouraged and motivated,
people were starting to see her coming back alive,
but just as she was beginning to smile for the first time in a long while,
she was beaten again by him.
every day,
she wonders.
she wonders if this was all a revenge.
she wonders if he has changed into someone so cruel and mean.
she wonders if he still thinks of her like he always used to tell her.
she wonders if he still cares for her the way he used to.
she wonders if he still cherishes the special moments they used to share.
she wonders if those memories have been replaced by other things or another person in his life.
she wonders if he still knows what she likes and dislikes and still takes note about those.
she wonders if he still love her like how he used to.
all these questions are left unanswered. for as many times she tells him she would like to know those answers for her to move on and be happy, that many times she is rejected by him. yes, he wants her to move on, but how can she when he is withholding back his feelings?
and so she continues to wonder.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
tired
she's tired.
tired of trying to get the message across to you.
tired of trying to get you to call her "dear" and "honey" in private and in public.
tired of trying to get a respond from you when she wrote to you about her feelings.
tired of trying to get your attention that she needed you.
tired of trying to get inside your mind.
she's tired.
tired of having to put up with your silence and cold response.
tired of having to face a guy who is mean and cruel.
tired of having to remain calm and all-loving even you are mad because she's afraid.
tired of having to fight someone that she loved so much.
tired of having to cry secretly alone for a man who showed little respect for her needs.
she's tired.
tired of being the only one who is interested in patching things up.
tired of being the only one who wants to be loved.
tired of being the only one who wants to be concerned for.
tired of being the only one who feels the need to call you and yet you did not welcome her.
tired of being the only one suffering.
she's tired. she's giving up. she's hopeless. something is beginning to die inside of her. and now she fears the worst - hatred - is setting in.
tired of trying to get the message across to you.
tired of trying to get you to call her "dear" and "honey" in private and in public.
tired of trying to get a respond from you when she wrote to you about her feelings.
tired of trying to get your attention that she needed you.
tired of trying to get inside your mind.
she's tired.
tired of having to put up with your silence and cold response.
tired of having to face a guy who is mean and cruel.
tired of having to remain calm and all-loving even you are mad because she's afraid.
tired of having to fight someone that she loved so much.
tired of having to cry secretly alone for a man who showed little respect for her needs.
she's tired.
tired of being the only one who is interested in patching things up.
tired of being the only one who wants to be loved.
tired of being the only one who wants to be concerned for.
tired of being the only one who feels the need to call you and yet you did not welcome her.
tired of being the only one suffering.
she's tired. she's giving up. she's hopeless. something is beginning to die inside of her. and now she fears the worst - hatred - is setting in.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
this Moment - thank you for letting me breathe again
choked.
i was grasping for air.
drowned in tears which overflowed from the reservoir of my eyes.
emotions were running high - anger, hatred, confusion - all lumped in one.
but who knew?
no one.
but thank you. thank you for letting me breathe again.
it was like you had finally come to your senses.
it was difficult - a journey which posted lots of obstacles.
but at the end of the day, both of us managed to stand tall and proudly announce to the world that we had finally made it!
yes indeed, it was our Moment - a glorious moment where others would look at it with envy - silently wishing theirs to be like our Moment.
but we are different from them.
that's why our Moment is unique.
we promised to ourselves that we would not let this Moment slip away but to hold it dear to our hearts.
when we forget, we will take it out from our pockets and re-live it just to be reminded again.
it is to remind us for as long as we still exist, this Moment would forever live.
this Moment is Us - You and Me.
i was grasping for air.
drowned in tears which overflowed from the reservoir of my eyes.
emotions were running high - anger, hatred, confusion - all lumped in one.
but who knew?
no one.
but thank you. thank you for letting me breathe again.
it was like you had finally come to your senses.
it was difficult - a journey which posted lots of obstacles.
but at the end of the day, both of us managed to stand tall and proudly announce to the world that we had finally made it!
yes indeed, it was our Moment - a glorious moment where others would look at it with envy - silently wishing theirs to be like our Moment.
but we are different from them.
that's why our Moment is unique.
we promised to ourselves that we would not let this Moment slip away but to hold it dear to our hearts.
when we forget, we will take it out from our pockets and re-live it just to be reminded again.
it is to remind us for as long as we still exist, this Moment would forever live.
this Moment is Us - You and Me.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
a snip of thought
a simple request.
it goes to show one thing when that request is never fulfilled: he doesn't care.
it goes to show one thing when that request is never fulfilled: he doesn't care.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
why?
every time, she stared at her phone, she secretly hoped it would suddenly ring or an SMS would appear. lately, this gave her much thrill just by waiting and hoping that her empty phone screen would suddenly buzz to life with his calls and SMSes.
1 hour passed. And then 2. And then 3... and soon 12 hours. but the phone was as dead as ever.
the last time they spoke, he was in a hurry to do something. or rather, he was in a hurry to hang up the phone as he might probably find her calls and SMSes to him nuisance and unnecessary. all he said before he ended the conversation was "talk to you later." she quickly interjected, "i'd be waiting for you SMSes, will you SMS me?" he answered, "yes". *click*
but there were no SMSes throughout the day. but still, she waited and waited until she could stand it no more and decided to call him right away. when she dialled his number, the ringing tone continued into his voicemail box. she called a second time and there was still no answer. the third, he picked up with an angry greeting of "hello!" she asked him, "where are you now? still busy?" he sighed and answered, "at home already. resting." she asked, "oh! why didn't you call or SMS me to say you were home and resting?" he answered, "why must you keep asking this kind of question?" and there was silence from her side.
"why is he acting this way to me? all i want from him was for him to understand what i am feeling right now after the whole nightmare. he knows very well that between us, i am the most fragile one and at this particular point of time, it has been really difficult for me to pull thru - the most critical period ever for me. every time, i tried telling him this, he didn't seem like he would want to listen or he seemed like all this was nuisance and such a waste of time. i called him frequently and even more with each passing day was because he wouldn't answer my SMSes or pick up my calls or talk to me nicely, so i was kind of desperate to know what the reason was behind his cold act towards me. i was hurt. what can i do? i do not think i would be able to tell him all this again by mouth or through words as this topic had become somewhat monotonous to his ears. every night, i cried silently to sleep. my pillows were the listening audience, my blanket was the comforter."
"before what happened, i never really gave any thought about another relationship after this one. the sole reason being: he was the only one i want to be for the rest of my life even though if it takes a lifetime to achieve that. i had given so much love towards him until there was none left for another person after him. i could never really love another just like the way i loved him."
1433
1 hour passed. And then 2. And then 3... and soon 12 hours. but the phone was as dead as ever.
the last time they spoke, he was in a hurry to do something. or rather, he was in a hurry to hang up the phone as he might probably find her calls and SMSes to him nuisance and unnecessary. all he said before he ended the conversation was "talk to you later." she quickly interjected, "i'd be waiting for you SMSes, will you SMS me?" he answered, "yes". *click*
but there were no SMSes throughout the day. but still, she waited and waited until she could stand it no more and decided to call him right away. when she dialled his number, the ringing tone continued into his voicemail box. she called a second time and there was still no answer. the third, he picked up with an angry greeting of "hello!" she asked him, "where are you now? still busy?" he sighed and answered, "at home already. resting." she asked, "oh! why didn't you call or SMS me to say you were home and resting?" he answered, "why must you keep asking this kind of question?" and there was silence from her side.
"why is he acting this way to me? all i want from him was for him to understand what i am feeling right now after the whole nightmare. he knows very well that between us, i am the most fragile one and at this particular point of time, it has been really difficult for me to pull thru - the most critical period ever for me. every time, i tried telling him this, he didn't seem like he would want to listen or he seemed like all this was nuisance and such a waste of time. i called him frequently and even more with each passing day was because he wouldn't answer my SMSes or pick up my calls or talk to me nicely, so i was kind of desperate to know what the reason was behind his cold act towards me. i was hurt. what can i do? i do not think i would be able to tell him all this again by mouth or through words as this topic had become somewhat monotonous to his ears. every night, i cried silently to sleep. my pillows were the listening audience, my blanket was the comforter."
"before what happened, i never really gave any thought about another relationship after this one. the sole reason being: he was the only one i want to be for the rest of my life even though if it takes a lifetime to achieve that. i had given so much love towards him until there was none left for another person after him. i could never really love another just like the way i loved him."
1433
Monday, August 2, 2010
Flashes
- yesterday, she decided to take some fresh air by walking alone in the park. she wanted to think quietly about the situation they were going through alone by herself. knowing and accepting the fact they were now apart and trying very hard to maintain something as basic as friendship, she let her mind wander off on how she should lead her life after this. wait. for starters, could she even start this new life? why must this be so hard and difficult? why was she feeling like she was the only one suffering the pain? tears began forming in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks so quickly they became streams. she was not able to catch those tears in time by wiping them away. the sky above also cried with her. rain drops landed on her hair and some landed on her face. she looked up into the sky helplessly and that was when she remembered. the rain reminded her of the time both of them were helplessly caught in the rain on his motorbike. there were no raincoats so they were drenched wet. they found shelter at a nearest Shell petrol station which had been closed down and abandoned. there were several other motorcyclists who were suffering the same fate from the rain. soaking and shivering from the cold of the rain and the wind, he gave her his coat for warmth and wiped her dry with his hands as if they could absorb water. nevertheless, she was contented and "captured" that sweet moment in her heart. and after that day, every time it rained, this moment would flash back before her eyes. so vivid and alive.
- she was driving back after meeting her client down town that afternoon. traffic was so bad that it jammed horribly and coincidentally, her car stopped a few minutes in front of a 24-hour McDonald's outlet. that very minute when she stared inside the windows of the outlet and saw a few couples savoring their McValue meals by the side of the windows, she remembered him again. back when they were still studying in the university, and when exams were just around the corner, both of them would head to the nearest McD outlet and sat there the whole day studying, accompanied by 2 cups of coffee. they drank so much coffee while studying there until they could not sleep at night. they would often laughed about it after that. it was one funny memory she had about the both of them.
- it was lunch hour. and she parked her car and wanted to cross to the other side of the road to buy her lunch. as she was standing there by the edge of the road and waiting for her chance to cross that ever-busy road in town, she suddenly remembered. whenever the both of them crossed the road, be it a busy one or one with very few vehicles, he would always stand on her right in the direction of oncoming traffic, hold her right hand with his left tightly and led her across the road. in the beginning when he started doing this for her, he would tell her that if a car comes crashing in their direction, at least it's not her who would get hurt first. and at that moment, her heart skipped a beat and she quickly "captured" the moment in her mind.
- it was a holiday she was looking forward to, because it was their first holiday together out of the country. and she had not seen him for 2 months already and now, she was walking in his direction with every step swifter and her eyes on him intensely. it was really a holiday to remember. they visited many places, they went shopping, they took many couple photos together, played on the beach where the big waves roll in, they ate romantic dinners together, talked late into the night, hugged and kissed each other and did many other things together. in one simple sentence, they were really happy to be near one another again. but little did they know that when they parted at the airport that day, that was the last time they would ever see each other as a couple. that was the last holiday they would have together. and that was the last kiss and hug they would share together. she wished she had seen this end coming and was able to "freeze" the moment longer and enjoy it. she did not manage to "capture" those last moments. she cried.
- it was her first birthday which was celebrated with her friends at the university. it was her sophomore year. she was really happy that her friends threw her a surprise birthday party and thought how lucky she was to have friends like those. but that night, she got luckier when one of her friends whom she had been having a crush on, "confessed" his feelings towards her. in the car, as both of them were sitting side by side each other at the back of the car after the celebration, his left hand had "accidentally" touched her right hand which she placed candidly on the car seat. and when he realized that she didn't move her hand away, he grabbed it and held it. he whispered something tenderly into her ears. suddenly she felt warmth sweeping thru her body and she was never happier than she was at that moment. until the day she dies, she will forever remember this "captured" moment in her heart because that "captured" moment was when a love story was born - her first love.
1433
when they were still together, he would call her "baby" or "darling" or "honey" or "sweetie" countless times. but now, she could just count the number of times he called her those using her own fingers. at certain days, the number was zero.
she tried to tell him about this, that she longed for him to return to how they used to be - how he used to call her those, countless times. but whenever she raised the subject, he would just shoved it away by saying "i will call you those when i feel like it... now i don't feel like calling you those, so i won't." though she was hurt deeply, but because she put her love for him first, she was willing to sacrifice by letting this subject go.
now that they are worlds apart and leading separate lives, the only bridge that is left between them is the phone. she treasured it very much even though sometimes the conversations were very short and sometimes, they turned really nasty. she would cry for hours after that. despite she hated the fact they were constantly arguing over the phone lately, but she knew in her heart that the conversations, no matter what the nature was- sweet, loving, memorable, or even nasty - they were too precious to her to let go. she loved him that much.
during her work, he would constantly popped up in her head. at times, she would imagine him standing there beside her. most of the time, there were many things around her which reminded her of him. without realizing, she would often let her mind wander off, thinking about what he was doing at the moment, the feelings he was feeling, the situations or problems he faced, or most of all, whether he was also thinking about her too at the same time, whether he was imagining her standing next to him, whether there were many things around him which reminded him of her as well. she would look at the phone, only suddenly realizing that the screen was empty - no SMSes, no missed calls. there she sat, fighting every urge inside of her - the temptation to dial his number and call him. "why should i be the one always calling him?" "why can't he call me?" "doesn't he feel the same way i am feeling right now?" "is he going through the same emotions i am going through?" "if yes, why won't he call?" "even if he's busy, he could have just SMSed to update me. it's ok if it's a short one or just a simple one like: i miss you dear." but she dialled his number anyway. but the conversations always ended either with her in tears or he was busy or he didn't feel like talking to her. little did he know that his updates were a source of energy to her. he didn't know that his words inspired her. he didn't know that he was very important to her now. every time, she reminded him to update her via SMSes, he would say "i will." but he never did on his own accord. the only time when he SMSed her was when she SMSed first to him and he just replied. she didn't need the updates like almost every hour. she only needed several SMSes sent by his own willingness a day. was that hard to do?
her heart was broken - many times. but still she persevered because she knew what she was doing - she needed this in order for her to be strong on her own again. his voice was her inspiration and strength. she knew she had to stand on her own two feet but at the moment, she needed him especially in this critical period. she believed she will be strong again one day and eventually. it's just that she needed him now for her to take that first step to move on by herself.
friendship. it meant a lot to her. not just any friendship - just this particular one. whenever she spoke to him, even when he was busy and didn't want to talk to her, she was happy that he was now filling up his time with many things. yes, frankly, she felt hurt that her concern over the phone was returned with his cold statements or one-syllable words like "yes" and "no" and followed by "i need to go now". there was no questions from him to her asking how she was doing, how was her day, what were she doing now etc. she had raised this up too to him, but like before, he just shoved it away by saying "don't tell me to ask you those questions. i will ask them when i feel like it." she didn't pursue further after that because she wanted this friendship - all that was left between them.
the more she raised all these topics to him, the more he was agitated. she, on the other hand, felt as if he was avoiding her, that he thought she was becoming a nuisance to him. she didn't mean to be that way towards him, she was just desperate to move on. but first, she needed him to move on but he was not there.
even though they are far away now from each other, all she wanted from him was to feel loved by him, cared by him and concerned by him. although she had accepted the fact that we were far from each other, she didn't mind in her heart to do all these to him unconditionally - she knew that she had to keep her distance now and the most she could ever be to him now was to be a person whom he can rely on, share his feelings and thoughts freely, have shoulder to cry on, and a listening ears to him. he just had to let her in. if not, she will die. now, she could only love him from afar... in silence.
No matter what, 1433.
she tried to tell him about this, that she longed for him to return to how they used to be - how he used to call her those, countless times. but whenever she raised the subject, he would just shoved it away by saying "i will call you those when i feel like it... now i don't feel like calling you those, so i won't." though she was hurt deeply, but because she put her love for him first, she was willing to sacrifice by letting this subject go.
now that they are worlds apart and leading separate lives, the only bridge that is left between them is the phone. she treasured it very much even though sometimes the conversations were very short and sometimes, they turned really nasty. she would cry for hours after that. despite she hated the fact they were constantly arguing over the phone lately, but she knew in her heart that the conversations, no matter what the nature was- sweet, loving, memorable, or even nasty - they were too precious to her to let go. she loved him that much.
during her work, he would constantly popped up in her head. at times, she would imagine him standing there beside her. most of the time, there were many things around her which reminded her of him. without realizing, she would often let her mind wander off, thinking about what he was doing at the moment, the feelings he was feeling, the situations or problems he faced, or most of all, whether he was also thinking about her too at the same time, whether he was imagining her standing next to him, whether there were many things around him which reminded him of her as well. she would look at the phone, only suddenly realizing that the screen was empty - no SMSes, no missed calls. there she sat, fighting every urge inside of her - the temptation to dial his number and call him. "why should i be the one always calling him?" "why can't he call me?" "doesn't he feel the same way i am feeling right now?" "is he going through the same emotions i am going through?" "if yes, why won't he call?" "even if he's busy, he could have just SMSed to update me. it's ok if it's a short one or just a simple one like: i miss you dear." but she dialled his number anyway. but the conversations always ended either with her in tears or he was busy or he didn't feel like talking to her. little did he know that his updates were a source of energy to her. he didn't know that his words inspired her. he didn't know that he was very important to her now. every time, she reminded him to update her via SMSes, he would say "i will." but he never did on his own accord. the only time when he SMSed her was when she SMSed first to him and he just replied. she didn't need the updates like almost every hour. she only needed several SMSes sent by his own willingness a day. was that hard to do?
her heart was broken - many times. but still she persevered because she knew what she was doing - she needed this in order for her to be strong on her own again. his voice was her inspiration and strength. she knew she had to stand on her own two feet but at the moment, she needed him especially in this critical period. she believed she will be strong again one day and eventually. it's just that she needed him now for her to take that first step to move on by herself.
friendship. it meant a lot to her. not just any friendship - just this particular one. whenever she spoke to him, even when he was busy and didn't want to talk to her, she was happy that he was now filling up his time with many things. yes, frankly, she felt hurt that her concern over the phone was returned with his cold statements or one-syllable words like "yes" and "no" and followed by "i need to go now". there was no questions from him to her asking how she was doing, how was her day, what were she doing now etc. she had raised this up too to him, but like before, he just shoved it away by saying "don't tell me to ask you those questions. i will ask them when i feel like it." she didn't pursue further after that because she wanted this friendship - all that was left between them.
the more she raised all these topics to him, the more he was agitated. she, on the other hand, felt as if he was avoiding her, that he thought she was becoming a nuisance to him. she didn't mean to be that way towards him, she was just desperate to move on. but first, she needed him to move on but he was not there.
even though they are far away now from each other, all she wanted from him was to feel loved by him, cared by him and concerned by him. although she had accepted the fact that we were far from each other, she didn't mind in her heart to do all these to him unconditionally - she knew that she had to keep her distance now and the most she could ever be to him now was to be a person whom he can rely on, share his feelings and thoughts freely, have shoulder to cry on, and a listening ears to him. he just had to let her in. if not, she will die. now, she could only love him from afar... in silence.
No matter what, 1433.
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