joanne: in my own words

Let me sing a song for you,
Please sit and listen to the tune,
This ain't no song of greatness,
But only a voice of a girl,
Singing about her world.

So let me sing a song for you,
Please please please, do listen to the tune,
All I wish is for you to hear me,
As I sing about my days,
Now sing with me if you may.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Most Romantic Thing (according to me)

There was an evening, some of my close friends and I were hanging out at a cafeteria after dinner. We talked and laughed a lot until the place was closed for the night. It was one of those nights every one was in the mood for talks and thoughts and laughter. We covered lots of topics and every one had to take turns to say something about every topic that was suggested on the table - no escaping. As expected, the topic on relationships came up and someone in the group asked the rest this "In your opinion, what is the most romantic thing a couple can do?"

When the question was thrown out, I was at a lost for words. Usually, I had a lot to say about anything at all and was seldom caught speechless. But that time, it was one of those awkward moments where I had to work my brain to crack something out. At the back of my head, I knew that my reputation for being recognized as the girl with many ideas, suggestions, words, opinions etc was at stake and was soon to be jeopardized.

And so, like every one else (while searching for an answer in my head), I sat there and listened to the others. My turn was the last (Thank goodness! At least, there was more time for me to think of the answer). Each person's answer must be different from the others (Oh darn! That meant no "copy-and-paste". Now, that's difficult!).

One of us mentioned that the most romantic thing a couple can do was to lie flat with your backs against the ground and admire the stars in the sky above at night. I thought, "Why didn't I think of that? That's romantic!" Another said, cuddling in each other's arms and talking to each other while listening to some soft music in the background. I thought, "Darn! I want that answer too!" The next said, going on a holiday together on a cruise or a beach holiday. And I thought, "Awww... holidays are always romantic, getting lost somewhere in the world together where no one knows you. I wish it was my turn to say this first!"

At last, it was my turn. I still had no answer. Everyone looked at me with so much intensity and anticipation, I thought I was going to suffer a heart attack. I opened my mouth and mumbled something. I was still thinking and all of a sudden, like a miracle, the answer just popped into my head (Oh how I sometimes love spontaneity!). As I spoke forth, I was convinced about the words that poured out of my mouth. And even up to today, I still believe this.

"I think the most romantic thing a couple can do is to grow old together. There's nothing more romantic than to live every moment in life together, age, grey and wrinkle together because every second of it is a memory that should be treasured and cherished and frozen in time as it only happens once in a lifetime. Growing old together is a series of life experiences a couple goes through, exclusive and special only to that particular couple; no one else would be able to share the same. Imagine, one day, both of you sitting on the front porch of your house you had both lived in for the past 4 decades, watching your own kids all grown up and your grandkids playing in the front yard. Both of you turned and smiled to each other, acknowledging the common satisfaction and pride that you both had fathered and mothered all of these throughout your lifetime together. One just cannot do without the other. Sometimes, it moves and stirs me inside to watch an old couple, walking side by side along the pedestrian walkway and still holding hands even at this age! They look and talk to each other with so much intensity and love that I am sometimes embarrassed to think that intense love and relationships only belong to the people my age. They had proven me wrong. I am ashamed to think and professed that I had loved my the other-half enough. What is my love for my the other-half as compared to the love intensity the old couple shared after so many years being together and still going strong? Love takes years to nurture; not every couple can succeed. Therefore, to me, growing old together is the most romantic thing a couple can do..."


And yes indeed, my reputation was saved. But more importantly, I learned something very heart-warming that evening.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Hidden Away by Josh Groban

Author's Note: To You-Know-Who-You-Are... I just want to tell you that I already know how you feel about me. Your actions speak louder than words. I am not blind, nor deaf. I observe and I listen. The things you say and do; the good things others speak about us. They are not lies, are they? Then what is it that is holding us back? Speak forth and don't let it be kept Hidden Away... for what is ours is right in front of our eyes.

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles will you watch for me
The sweetest feeling I've got inside
I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes
And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today
I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickering candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows
And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today
I want to feel your love
Will you reveal your love
Please don't keep your love
Hidden Away

I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Enlightened

The Nightmare. It felt like a thousand years. It felt like forever and a day.

And now, words cannot even begin to describe the relief and the joy I feel inside. I have awoken from a deep sleep. I have awoken from It. I am now fully awake.

It is after a catastrophe like this one, people start to see and view things around them in a new light. I am no different from them. I guess it is a natural process - a stage where one is expected to experience after a personal struggle in life, especially when that struggle is love-related.

A month or so ago, my life was a roller-coaster ride - there were many highs and there were many lows as well. But the lows were far greater than the highs - each subsequent low was worse than the one before. Flashing back, I thought I was trying to make my life better; to find that balance between us; to find that compromise together, but I was wrong, I was denied all those and my heart was broken into pieces and my life was over... forever.

Or so I thought.

It came to my realization suddenly one day, while talking to a close friend, that I had long lost my optimism which I always knew I had since I was little. But the whole nightmare episode had made me realize that I had been a pessimist all this while. I was heading in the direction of hopelessness which I had built unconsciously around me. It just dawned upon me that every word I had uttered before was negative and no matter how hard I tried to be positive, I failed terribly. I had a choice, didn't I? But because I was adamant to stay on as being someone hopeless and self-pitied, I chose to be ignorant of the fact that I could turn all of this around, pick myself up and move on.

The other thing which I realized after the nightmare was that I had many good friends out there whom I had taken for granted and neglected when I was with him for the past 4 years. Friends do come and go but the good ones always stay. And I am blessed with so many of them who have stood by my side through thick and thin, supporting me all the way to recovery - to where I am now. Usually, it is during bad times like this, people start noticing who their true friends really are. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I owe it to these friends, my life just couldn't get any better than how it is now.

Freedom was something I only knew by name and not by experience. When I was still in a relationship, yes there was freedom but that freedom is not the same freedom I know today. The freedom I recognize today is of a different taste - far sweeter and more refreshing. I never knew this taste actually ever existed until after the relationship and the nightmare. I now feel liberated - my body does what it desires to do, my heart feels what it desires to feel, my mind thinks what it desires to think and my soul believes in what it desires to believe. It is like my eyes just open up suddenly and I see things in ways I've never seen them before. My heart is no longer dragged down by a big heavy bulk of negative emotions. I fill my thoughts with beautiful pictures, my eyes with beautiful colors, my nose with beautiful smells, my mouth with beautiful words, sentences and tastes, my ears with beautiful music and my skin with beautiful sensations. It is like I am almost a new creation except I am still myself - the real Me.

I am enlightened.