joanne: in my own words

Let me sing a song for you,
Please sit and listen to the tune,
This ain't no song of greatness,
But only a voice of a girl,
Singing about her world.

So let me sing a song for you,
Please please please, do listen to the tune,
All I wish is for you to hear me,
As I sing about my days,
Now sing with me if you may.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Ten years . . .

Ten years. But I feel like it was only yesterday. If it weren't for the reflection in the mirror which reminds me of how much I have aged, I wouldn't have noticed how quickly Time had ticked away.

At every sunrise, when I open my eyes, it is always you playing in my mind. I think it has become a habit to turn to your side on the bed to check if you are awake. But now, that spot is empty.

It seems like you were gone only recently. I could still see you walking around the house, or busy cooking my favourite beef stew in the kitchen. I could still smell you in the pillows and I could still hear you singing and strumming away on your guitar.

It is almost 4pm now. I put on the satin dress you bought for me as a gift in Cambodia. As I walk pass the mirror, I picture you standing by the door, smiling at me. I make my way to the bathroom and quickly put on some make-up. I comb my hair and wear it down, just like how you would like it. As I reach for my jewellery box, something catches my eyes I have never noticed before. Your toothbrush, your hair gel, your shaver and everything else that belongs to you, are still where they were ten years ago. I have not moved a single thing of yours at all. I have left all things the way they were ten years ago.

So here I am again, standing before you today as I have stood at the exact same spot a year ago, two years ago, three years ago... for the past ten years. Every year, I wait for this day to come because I would want to celebrate it with you. So I bring with me a bouquet of fresh red roses and place them gently on the cold marble stone of your grave. I come here to tell you the same message I told you every year on our anniversary.

I love you and I miss you dearly. Life is horrible without you. I pray to God every day to shorten my life so that I could be reunited with you. It is cruel to wake up in the morning only to realize again that you are no longer here. It is cruel to cook our favourite steak only to eat it all by myself. It is cruel to watch a scary horror movie only to realize you are not there to accompany me. It is cruel to go see the world only to know that the world is too big without you in it. It is cruel, it is cruel, it is cruel!

Are you listening to me? Do you know how angry I am at myself? Why aren't you here when I need you the most? Where are you? Come back, come back! I am done waiting! I am done waiting! What use is my life if you are not in it? Won't you please take me away with you? Please...! I beg you. I beg you. I beg you... Oh, please...!

I tried and tried but the pain is too intense. This burden is too heavy for me to carry. Ten years and your absence is still so fresh. It is unfair. It is really unfair. Why? Oh why?

Ten-years is ten-years but I can't go on a minute longer.

1 comment:

Jago MF said...

Really intense...