joanne: in my own words

Let me sing a song for you,
Please sit and listen to the tune,
This ain't no song of greatness,
But only a voice of a girl,
Singing about her world.

So let me sing a song for you,
Please please please, do listen to the tune,
All I wish is for you to hear me,
As I sing about my days,
Now sing with me if you may.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Tik, tok, tik, tok... He looks at his watch anxiously - a quarter to 7pm - another 15 minutes to go before the last bus out of town leaves. Where is she? She is supposed to meet him half hour ago. The skies above begin to darken as heavy clouds pregnant with water gather, threatening to burst any time now. And the strong wind is blowing from the East - warning that a storm would be hitting the town soon. From a distance about 500 meters away, he spots a small figure running towards his direction. His heart starts to race. Could it be her? 200 meters, his heart falls as he realizes that the figure running towards him belongs to a young boy who is carrying what seems to be a letter in his right hand. As the young boy approaches, he hands him the letter. Without a word, he quickly runs down the road and disappears into the twilight. The letter reads:

Dear B,

I am sorry.

I can't go with you. I know I owe you more than just an explanation. And this letter is never going to be enough to make up for my lack of presence. But please hear me out, for it might give you a reason to realize that I am not worth the extra mile. Eventually, you would soon come to learn that the girl you love the most will also be the one you hate the most... one day.

Our story was not a fairytale. No. But it was certainly one-of-a-kind; two different individuals from two different worlds, crossing paths. So ironic that we sometimes wonder how can two people who hated each others' guts from the first moment they met would one day fall in love with one another. How was it possible that you could be so attracted to me like a steel to a magnet? And how was it possible that I could be so enchanted by your charm and wittiness?

Well, they said that "Love is Blind". And now, I believe.

I love you too. No one has ever made me feel the way you did. The time spent with you was the time of my life. And if it were to be within my control, I would replay those moments again and again and again, knowing clearly that we will not last; the ending was just waiting around the corner. I should not have led you on, so you wouldn't be hurt. But I was too greedy and hungry; I was addicted to your love. In the midst of the happiness you brought to me, I was feeling guilty the whole time through with every distant look in my eye, every empty smile I gave you and the senseless touch when we made love. I've played you - and your emotions. It was meant to be just a game and nothing more serious than that. I wanted to challenge myself to prove how far I could go with you and whether or not, I would win. If there is one thing you didn't already know about me: I am dangerous. On the facade, I joked and laughed with you, pretended to be concerned about you and your life, acted as if I cared and as if I really loved you; but it was all for the game. I've gambled with your feelings but I had lost terribly in the game for I realize that I have fallen in love with you.

But what is more deadly is that I have kept a secret hidden from you. The reason why I can't go with you is that I am getting married in December. I don't know how to break this news to you but all along, I have someone in my life; his name is John. We have been together for 3 years now but he is often never with me. But he loves me a great deal, more than I actually love him. There had been talks about buying a house together and settling down for almost a year now but I never really did care about what John had suggested. I often gave him the distant look or changed the conversation topic, ignoring him because deep inside I wasn't sure if he was indeed the one - because of you.

By now, I know the damage is done. All I can do now is to say sorry though I know that no amount of "sorry" is ever going to heal the wound I've caused. I should have stopped earlier before we went deeper. I should have warned you not to fall in love with me. It is not your fault, it is only mine as I knew better than you. I was the mastermind behind all this but I failed horrendously. I would never be able to turn back time. But if I could, I will go back to the moment we both first met and change the course of events so we would never cross paths at all.

I am sorry... truly.

Love always, J.

P/S: Don't look back. Ever. 

As he finishes the last sentence, the reservoir of the skies bursts. In the wetness of the rain and the coldness of the Eastern wind, he falls to his knees. The last bus is just leaving.

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