The Song

when the world outside grew dark and silent

people climbed into their cradles and fell into dreamless sleeps

she woke up and found herself at the piano

her fingers hovering over the ice-cold keys

enveloped by the darkness that seeped into the room from the outside

she sat stoned like a statue, looking distantly into the night before her eyes

in her head, a broken tune began forming

her fingers raced along the keys to capture the melody

one by one, the notes made their way onto the piano

telling a story that is both new and old

shutting the world out, she got lost in her own reverie

to a place and a time that were once all too familiar

as the notes were pieced together

she felt the joy, there was nothing else left to fear

fuzzy and warm, light and dear

that was when she realized that love was near

oh why oh why, must you appear at this time?

why do I feel like love is a crime?

what have I done to deserve this?

maybe it's true you have given me a reason to exist

inspired by love, she smiled to the stars above

how kind they were to her, she had never been luckier

on the piano keys, her fingers continued writing The Song

so one day, both him and her could sing along

Please Come Home...

I looked up. Dark clouds were moving rapidly above, assembling to create a heavy mass that will soon burst into showers of rain.

I waited. And waited. But only silence prevailed.

It took me awhile to realize that you were not with me. I was alone, lost in my own reverie. My eyes touched a scenery that was once all too familiar - a scenery that was set in a place where we had both called Home.

Home was the exact spot where we had both first laid eyes on each other; a thunderbolt of lightning that struck right through our hearts and bound us together forever - or was it?

We fell deeply in love, so engrossed in ourselves that we were lost to the world. Nothing else did matter as long as I was by your side and you were by mine.

Our life was beautiful; so beautiful beyond description. On this very place where we called Home, you pronounced your vows to me and I to you; and we were sealed for a destiny together. In all those years, we weaved many memories together: the forget-me-not kisses, the shampoo sessions in the rain, the intimate talks on the balcony, the sensual love-making in the dark. I was happy and so were you. In our happiness, we forgot about the real world. We forgot about how corrupted the real world was and the poison it brought with it.

Why do I miss you even when you are just standing next to me? Why do I feel like more than a distance between us? I have climbed every mountain and swam every river just to bring us Home. But lately, I am afraid - so afraid that we are running out of time. I am afraid that we can't rewind and return to where we had left off. I, myself, am losing faith. I just can't do it alone.

Tell me what to do. Just don't tell me that it's over... Or is it really?

For if your heart's not in it anymore, please stop faking what you don't feel. If this love is already gone, I don't want you to keep me hanging on. What is worse than knowing that you are pretending to try to save us when the truth is that you don't love me anymore? Just say the words and I will let you go. What is the point of chaining you when your heart already belongs to someone else? The world is not as innocent as I had assumed it to be. It is actually more treacherous and corrupted than I had imagined. I thought that our love was too pure and too strong for anything in this world to destroy. But I was wrong, indeed. It has come to take away one of us. And the other one is now left to walk the remaining journey alone.

But I had returned Home now, after all these years as an old lady. With a walking stick in my hand to assist in my feeble movements, I may be old physically but my memories were still very much alive. And so were my emotions. I had loved you then and I still love you now. Though this weak old lady may not know where you are exactly, but to this very day, I still pine for you. I miss you... very much. I intend to spend the last of my days waiting for you here as that is all I know I have lived for. With what's left of me, I will wait for the day when you safely return Home.

I am SORRY

Tik, tok, tik, tok... He looks at his watch anxiously - a quarter to 7pm - another 15 minutes to go before the last bus out of town leaves. Where is she? She is supposed to meet him half hour ago. The skies above begin to darken as heavy clouds pregnant with water gather, threatening to burst any time now. And the strong wind is blowing from the East - warning that a storm would be hitting the town soon. From a distance about 500 meters away, he spots a small figure running towards his direction. His heart starts to race. Could it be her? 200 meters, his heart falls as he realizes that the figure running towards him belongs to a young boy who is carrying what seems to be a letter in his right hand. As the young boy approaches, he hands him the letter. Without a word, he quickly runs down the road and disappears into the twilight. The letter reads:



Dear B,

I am sorry.

I can't go with you. I know I owe you more than just an explanation. And this letter is never going to be enough to make up for my lack of presence. But please hear me out, for it might give you a reason to realize that I am not worth the extra mile. Eventually, you would soon come to learn that the girl you love the most will also be the one you hate the most... one day.


Our story was not a fairytale. No. But it was certainly one-of-a-kind; two different individuals from two different worlds, crossing paths. So ironic that we sometimes wonder how can two people who hated each others' guts from the first moment they met would one day fall in love with one another. How was it possible that you could be so attracted to me like a steel to a magnet? And how was it possible that I could be so enchanted by your charm and wittiness?


Well, they said that "Love is Blind". And now, I believe.

I love you too. No one has ever made me feel the way you did. The time spent with you was the time of my life. And if it were to be within my control, I would replay those moments again and again and again, knowing clearly that we will not last; the ending was just waiting around the corner. I should not have led you on, so you wouldn't be hurt. But I was too greedy and hungry; I was addicted to your love. In the midst of the happiness you brought to me, I was feeling guilty the whole time through with every distant look in my eye, every empty smile I gave you and the senseless touch when we made love. I've played you - and your emotions. It was meant to be just a game and nothing more serious than that. I wanted to challenge myself to prove how far I could go with you and whether or not, I would win. If there is one thing you didn't already know about me: I am dangerous. On the facade, I joked and laughed with you, pretended to be concerned about you and your life, acted as if I cared and as if I really loved you; but it was all for the game. I've gambled with your feelings but I had lost terribly in the game for I realize that I have fallen in love with you.

But what is more deadly is that I have kept a secret hidden from you. The reason why I can't go with you is that I am getting married in December. I don't know how to break this news to you but all along, I have someone in my life; his name is John. We have been together for 3 years now but he is often never with me. But he loves me a great deal, more than I actually love him. There had been talks about buying a house together and settling down for almost a year now but I never really did care about what John had suggested. I often gave him the distant look or changed the conversation topic, ignoring him because deep inside I wasn't sure if he was indeed the one - because of you.


By now, I know the damage is done. All I can do now is to say sorry though I know that no amount of "sorry" is ever going to heal the wound I've caused. I should have stopped earlier before we went deeper. I should have warned you not to fall in love with me. It is not your fault, it is only mine as I knew better than you. I was the mastermind behind all this but I failed horrendously. I would never be able to turn back time. But if I could, I will go back to the moment we both first met and change the course of events so we would never cross paths at all.


I am sorry... truly.


Love always, J.


P/S: Don't look back. Ever. 

As he finishes the last sentence, the reservoir of the skies bursts. In the wetness of the rain and the coldness of the Eastern wind, he falls to his knees. The last bus is just leaving.

ke manakah Cinta pergi?

bila Sang Mentari diganti Sang Bulan
siang bertukar menjadi malam
seorang gadis berdiri keseorangan
di tepi pantai ditemani Sang Bayu
dalam kesepian yang memeluknya
gadis itu melayan kepiluan yang melanda
bertepuk dada bertanya diri
ke manakah Cinta pergi?


setiap titisan air mata pedih terasa
apa lagi kepedihan yang kian bertakhta di sanubari
hati menangis siapa yang tahu
perasaan ini bagai bantal empuk yang dipenuhi duri
kerana cinta ku telah dihiris seribu kali
aku cuba menahan sebak di dada
yang seolah ombak yang memukul kuat ke sisir pantai
tapi apakah daya seorang gadis yang telah terabai?


cinta yang ku beri pada mu tulus dan ikhlas
cinta ku indah bagai pelangi selepas hujan
cinta ku untuk mu tiada berbelah bagi
cinta ku terhadap mu dalam dan suci
sejak bila kau beranjak pergi
meninggalkan aku diam sepi
bukalah semula pintu hati mu
agar aku bisa hidup dalam cahaya cinta mu selalu


apakah salah ku?
sehingga cinta kita kini di penghujung jalan
apakah sebab kita mesti berakhir di sini?
bila kita masih mengerti cinta ini
adakah aku seorang saja yang bermimpi?
sedangkan kau sudah bertukar hati
aku bertepuk dada bertanya diri
ke manakah Cinta ku pergi?

Under the Crimson Cloven Skies of October

Under the crimson cloven skies of October, I said goodbye to him. Quickly, he held my hand and pulled me into his arms - so tightly, I barely could breathe. A part of me wanted to break free and just walk away, never to look back. But there was still this part of me that wished to linger on... only for awhile longer.

The evening wind had just started to blow gently across the green field which was now tinted yellow by the setting sun. The withering oak trees casted light shadows over the meadows down the hill where we stood. Silence enveloped around us like there was no other more solemn place in the world than where we were standing.

He cried suddenly.

Tightening his grip around my body, streams of hot tears flowed down his cheeks like a waterfall. He hugged me even closer. The familiar smell of his cologne filled my nostrils. I knew this would be my last time to catch a whiff of that scent. With his face buried in my hair and his chin rested on my left shoulder, I could feel his warmth, so comforting to me once upon a time ago.

Like a mannequin, I stood there stiffly in his arms. As if I was lost in my own reverie, I stared blankly into the clouds above. I could see the sparrows flying swiftly in the sky and I whispered silently to myself, wishing to be like them - soaring so freely with wings unfurled.

But the birds, they were singing a chorus; a melody so sad and cold, it brought me to tears too. It was as if the birds were mourning with us, dedicating this day as the last chapter of our love story.

Memories, one by one, started to float back, flashing before my eyes. There were moments of laughter and of joy; there were also moments of tears and of sadness; our first date and our first kiss; the journey we traveled together - the sunshine and the storms; and especially, I could still remember vividly how his skin felt against mine; the warmth, the texture, the scent - it was all coming back.

Did I make a mistake? Did I make a wrong decision? Did we have to end it?

I lifted both my arms to hug him back, to tell him that we could rewind and go back to where we had left, to tell him not to cry anymore and that every thing would be okay, to look him in the eyes and say that I still love him and will always do. I had waited so long, I can still wait some more; I had loved him for so long, I could still continue loving him, why should I even stop now?

But my arms stayed where they were, as stiffly as the other limbs. I could not bring myself to love him anymore. My heart was now broken. Something died inside. The bitter cold now reigned sovereignly in it - my heart was now an ice palace, waiting... just waiting for the slightest glow of warmth to revive it. It won't be for a thousand years.

And so, under the crimson cloven skies of October, I said goodbye to him.

My Life | So What?

Hi, let me introduce to you my life.
I live among the rich and the glamorous.
Paparazzi, camera flashlights and red carpets are a norm for me.
My life revolves around playing and partying every single night.
I love it when the night falls; every thing comes alive - the music, the dance moves, the booze, the skinny-dipping and sometimes the ménagè a trois.
New friends are easy to get; sleeping partners - even easier! During the day, I attend big luncheons at posh restaurants.
Caviar and champagne are my top-list menu. 
I own a business empire and a chain of hotels and casinos around the world.
I have cash, loads of it - spend it all and I still have a lot to burn in the fire, just for fun!
My best friends are Gucci, Prada, Dior, Louis Vuitton and Chanel.
I dress and parade around town with them - from the tip of my toes to the top of my head; from the outsides to even the insides too.
My playmates are Ferrari, Lamborghini and Bentley.
I ride with them on the roads; they are so hot and sexy that they'd always turn heads.
My playgrounds are Tokyo, Milan, New York, London and Paris.
I have houses and mansions there - they are second homes to me.
I love buying gifts for friends and strangers too, mostly impulsive.
The biggest gift I've ever bought for a stranger was a cruise ship - only because he loves fishing out in the open sea.
I find pleasure in the company of men and women - it is so easy to buy them.
It just clicks - I want entertainment and they want money. 
When you have money, you have everything.

I lead a life many people could only dream of.
It's a nice feeling to know that people envy me.

But...
I have a secret to tell you: a confession to make.
I smile only because it is forced; not genuine.
It is all a show, a facade. 
I may sound like I am happy and proud of how I live.
But honestly, I am not.
SO WHAT?
So what if I have all the riches in the world but have not your love, what am I?


I am Nothing.

Driving in Kuala Lumpur - Not too crazy after all

Driving in downtown Kuala Lumpur is madness (although it is not as crazy as driving on the Penang Island). But in all the madness that the roads of KL city has to offer, I've found some sanity too - pleasing and comforting to my already-tormented soul of a driver.

I was driving to work on Wednesday along Jalan Tun Sambathan, Brickfields KL - a road that is partially brick-paved and partially tarred (with countless potholes), and part of it, still under construction which seems never-ending. If the condition of the road did not already kill me, the strings of traffic from all unpredicted directions - left and right - would have! The bumper-to-bumper jam suffocated me. Some drivers practised their "kiasu-ness" (fear of losing out) in their driving which caused me to "kiasi" (fear of getting killed), struggling to control my steering wheel. And if that was not bad enough, the motorcyclists could easily cause me a major heart attack every time they weaved in and out the traffic; not to mention, my 2.5-month old car! I will die if someone were to hit into or scratch my car's beautiful and muscular white body... *touch wood*

Alright. So you understand now how crazy driving in downtown KL on a weekday morning is. Yes, very crazy indeed. Stressful, frustrating, scary - all in one! But something which was rather pleasant took place on that particular Wednesday morning. An accident happened right before my eyes involving a red Perodua Kembara car in front of my car and a black Toyota Vios car in front of the Kembara. When I thought that this accident would be the start of a major jam of the already existing jam, I was wrong. Instead of seeing the two owners arguing over the accident, I witnessed a very heart-warming scene between them. When I thought that the Vios owner would alight from his car and start scolding the Kembara owner for hitting into the back of his car and causing a hideous dent on his bumper, he silently took a look at the damage to his Vios and smiled instead to the Kembara owner who at that time, was profusely apologizing for his mistake. They spoke for awhile, then shook hands and returned to their respective cars. So ironic!

I, for once, felt relief. The scene was so heart-warming and pleasant that all my stress, frustration and fear just melted away. The comforting thought lingered in my head throughout the entire journey to work. I wish more Malaysians to be like the Vios and the Kembara owners when an accident occurs, no matter how bad it is. Then the whole world would be a much better place to live in.