Life's Little Pleasures

Every day, we go through life, focusing on the big things: work, house, car, marriage, relationship, children's education, bills, money, health etc. And what's more, we sometimes spend more than half of our time worrying about those things. 

Have we forgotten about the small things in life? Just because they are small or trivial doesn't mean they are insignificant and therefore, don't deserve our attention. Little did we realize that these small things in life are capable of putting a smile on our faces. Yes, the ordinary, simple and not unusual things which we shall call as life's little pleasures.

Yesterday, while waiting for my turn to see the doctor in the hospital, I came across an article on Reader's Digest Asia, discussing about life's little pleasures of readers, businesspeople and famous names around the world. Personally, I found the article to be enlightening for me. For a very long time (and yes, I do mean for a very long time indeed), I have failed to recognize the goodness and positivity that these simple yet fulfilling little things have brought me. Therefore, to ensure that I would always be reminded of these life's little pleasures if ever I would forget them in the future, I am going to pen them down here. However, I do know that the list of my life's little pleasures won't just stop here. I am sure there would definitely be more to come and of course, to write about. In this post, you might identify with some of my life's little pleasures and perhaps, nod at some others, but whatever it is, I hope this read will leave you feeling nostalgic and light-hearted and definitely, a renewed appreciation for life.

25 of my life's little pleasures in no particular order:

1. The smell of rain - the warm, moist, sandy, musky scent that emits from the wet ground
2. Fresh beddings - the comforting floral smell from the washing and the clean feeling I get when I sleep on them
3. The soothing wind that blows on a hot day, evaporating my sweat
4. The small little sweet words, notes and gifts I get from my most beloved
5. The kind words my friends give me when I am feeling down
6. The pretentious innocent look on my dogs' faces when they know they have done something wrong like secretly peeing along the entrance hallway. My anger at them just melts away.
7. Weekend dinners with close friends to catch up on the latest in life
8. Days when you have nothing to do but sleep all day
9. The moment when a favorite song which I have not heard in ages is being played on the radio while I am driving
10. McDonald's ice cream
11. A very good not-to-miss deal on Groupon.my or MyDeal.com.my
12. The moment when I apply mascara onto my lashes without smudging
13. A hot cup of coffee or chocolate with my most beloved and the chats we have when drinking a cuppa
14. Waking up in the morning feeling like I have had the greatest sleep ever
15. The refreshing cold feeling of water running over my feet - waves that roll over my feet as I walk deeper into the sea or the mountain water when I deep my feet into it
16. The right angle, focus and lighting when I snap a picture
17. Walking pass a photo of both myself and my beloved only to look at it even more closely and reminisce the moment when we were snapping that photo
18. Mommy reading my mind and cooking my favorite dishes
19. Reading an interesting article in a randomly picked-up magazine
20. Accidentally coming across a beautiful dress or shoes or bags or accessory within my budget
21. The opportunity to attend events and talking to strangers
22. Freebies and free samples when I am shopping in a supermarket
23. Thanking God that it is time to go home when the clock ticks 5.45pm which means the end of a work day for me, especially after a stressful one
24. The fresh smell of my shampooed hair
25. The hugs and kisses I get from my beloved every morning

And the list goes on.

I am thankful for these life's little pleasures which most of the time I must admit, go unnoticed by myself. It is true that the combination of these little nice things is what make our lives so wonderful. So don't forget to recognize and acknowledge when one really does happen. We don't have to go far to gain happiness. It is always happening around us, if only we give more attention. 

Forever & A Day

That afternoon, the clouds hung low and cast a gloomy blue tint in the atmosphere. The air was damp and the ground was wet from the rain. The fields contrasted the dull skies with its fresh green which appeared to be more saturated in the after-showers. Birds were chirping in unison to a semi-melancholic melody.

From a distance, an old white car was approaching, its tires spinning clumsily along the gravel road across the fields, chasing every animal and insect out of the way. The roar of the old car’s engine was the only artificial sound in that natural scene. It became louder and louder as it approached me nearer and nearer. It showed no signs of stopping until it reached the end of the gravel road somewhere down the hill to where I was standing. Finally, the old car stopped, just right in front of me. The engine was still running and the driver, a young man, whose hands were gripping tightly onto the steering wheel, stared blankly into the distance ahead. He held that position for some minutes before finally giving it up by turning off the engine, almost as abruptly as how he stopped his car earlier. And then, the sounds of nature suddenly returned.

As if the ride he endured before this was a bumpy one or perhaps it was, he leaned back towards his seat in a relaxed position and sighed loudly. He sat there quietly inside the car, listening to the pitter-patters of the drizzle against the glass. I walked closer to the car to watch him. Slowly, he wound down the window and stuck out his left palm. Droplets of rain began to gather in his palm. When it became full, he tilted his palm to drain off the water. And then, cupping his left palm again, he repeated to gather more droplets of rain in his palm. Something about his action seemed all too familiar to me. My heart became heavy all of a sudden.

And then, the rain stopped pouring. There was now a soothing cool breeze blowing. He pulled his palm back inside and wound up the window but leaving a small crevice just about big enough for the cool breeze to enter. He turned to look ahead the car. I followed his gaze but I realized that he was not looking at something in particular ahead. A shadow of sadness suddenly settled upon his face. I had never seen such sadness before – the kind that was sadder than ever. Although I had never known this sadness, I could fathom the reason behind it.

Later, he reached into the glove compartment in front of the passenger seat and drew out a small navy blue velvet box. He held it on his right palm in front of his chest. Staring solemnly at the tiny box, he pushed opened the lid with his left thumb. Gleaming beautifully inside the dark-colored box was a bright 2.5 carat diamond ring. At that sight, my heart skipped a beat, I gasped in surprise and in awe but immediately, my heart sank once again. This time, the shadow of sadness had befallen me. I couldn’t endure the pain that was birthing within so I turned away from him. But at the same time, the urge to watch him a little while longer was so strong that I stayed on.

I got inside the car and sat in the passenger seat next to him. He was still gazing at the ring inside the box, but this time, his fingers were tracing the shape of the ring. I looked down to stare at my own fingers and then looked up again just in time to see him snap the box shut! He gripped the box in his left palm, pulling it close to his heart, and wept. With every tear he cried, he channeled out all the sadness and sorrow he felt inside. He wailed loudly in the car, easing out the pain he had been feeling all this time. He knocked his head repeatedly onto the steering wheel, stomped his feet and cried loudly, almost child-like. I felt sorry for him. I wanted so badly to comfort him, to tell him that things would be all right. I wanted so badly to hug him and give him the reassurance he needed. If only I could…

But I, too, however, cried along with him.

After we had both finished crying, he composed himself and calmly, he sat up in his seat, opened the little velvet box and placed it on the dashboard in front of me. The diamond ring was staring innocently back at us. I stole a glance at him and saw that he was focused on the ring atop the dashboard. He drew a deep breath and uttered these words: “I know that you are now gone. I know that you are now in a beautiful place where only fairies and angels like you belong. But these three words I will forever say to you. I Love You. Forever and a day, my love, forever and a day.”

And so, I left to that beautiful place he described where only fairies and angels belonged, knowing in my heart that I will forever and a day be missed and loved by my one and only true love – him.

I love you too. Forever and a day, my love, forever and a day. If only I had the chance to say these words when I was still alive.

Ten years . . .

Ten years. But I feel like it was only yesterday. If it weren't for the reflection in the mirror which reminds me of how much I have aged, I wouldn't have noticed how quickly Time had ticked away.

At every sunrise, when I open my eyes, it is always you playing in my mind. I think it has become a habit to turn to your side on the bed to check if you are awake. But now, that spot is empty.

It seems like you were gone only recently. I could still see you walking around the house, or busy cooking my favourite beef stew in the kitchen. I could still smell you in the pillows and I could still hear you singing and strumming away on your guitar.

It is almost 4pm now. I put on the satin dress you bought for me as a gift in Cambodia. As I walk pass the mirror, I picture you standing by the door, smiling at me. I make my way to the bathroom and quickly put on some make-up. I comb my hair and wear it down, just like how you would like it. As I reach for my jewellery box, something catches my eyes I have never noticed before. Your toothbrush, your hair gel, your shaver and everything else that belongs to you, are still where they were ten years ago. I have not moved a single thing of yours at all. I have left all things the way they were ten years ago.

So here I am again, standing before you today as I have stood at the exact same spot a year ago, two years ago, three years ago... for the past ten years. Every year, I wait for this day to come because I would want to celebrate it with you. So I bring with me a bouquet of fresh red roses and place them gently on the cold marble stone of your grave. I come here to tell you the same message I told you every year on our anniversary.

I love you and I miss you dearly. Life is horrible without you. I pray to God every day to shorten my life so that I could be reunited with you. It is cruel to wake up in the morning only to realize again that you are no longer here. It is cruel to cook our favourite steak only to eat it all by myself. It is cruel to watch a scary horror movie only to realize you are not there to accompany me. It is cruel to go see the world only to know that the world is too big without you in it. It is cruel, it is cruel, it is cruel!

Are you listening to me? Do you know how angry I am at myself? Why aren't you here when I need you the most? Where are you? Come back, come back! I am done waiting! I am done waiting! What use is my life if you are not in it? Won't you please take me away with you? Please...! I beg you. I beg you. I beg you... Oh, please...!

I tried and tried but the pain is too intense. This burden is too heavy for me to carry. Ten years and your absence is still so fresh. It is unfair. It is really unfair. Why? Oh why?

Ten-years is ten-years but I can't go on a minute longer.

Lonely

Lonely...
has returned.

Lonely...
is visiting an old friend.

Lonely...
knows me by name.

Lonely...
accompanies me every where I go.

Lonely...
says he'd like to stay longer this time.

Lonely...
chases my friends away.

Lonely...
tells me he'll be my only friend.

Lonely...
is very loud.

Lonely...
is persistent.

Lonely...
takes away my time.

Lonely...
sleeps with me.

Lonely...
is always in my head.

Lonely...
makes me sad.

Lonely...
frustrates me too sometimes.

Lonely...
says I deserve him.

Lonely...
scares me.

Lonely...
won't go away.

Lonely...
will kill me one day.

The Song

when the world outside grew dark and silent

people climbed into their cradles and fell into dreamless sleeps

she woke up and found herself at the piano

her fingers hovering over the ice-cold keys

enveloped by the darkness that seeped into the room from the outside

she sat stoned like a statue, looking distantly into the night before her eyes

in her head, a broken tune began forming

her fingers raced along the keys to capture the melody

one by one, the notes made their way onto the piano

telling a story that is both new and old

shutting the world out, she got lost in her own reverie

to a place and a time that were once all too familiar

as the notes were pieced together

she felt the joy, there was nothing else left to fear

fuzzy and warm, light and dear

that was when she realized that love was near

oh why oh why, must you appear at this time?

why do I feel like love is a crime?

what have I done to deserve this?

maybe it's true you have given me a reason to exist

inspired by love, she smiled to the stars above

how kind they were to her, she had never been luckier

on the piano keys, her fingers continued writing The Song

so one day, both him and her could sing along

Please Come Home...

I looked up. Dark clouds were moving rapidly above, assembling to create a heavy mass that will soon burst into showers of rain.

I waited. And waited. But only silence prevailed.

It took me awhile to realize that you were not with me. I was alone, lost in my own reverie. My eyes touched a scenery that was once all too familiar - a scenery that was set in a place where we had both called Home.

Home was the exact spot where we had both first laid eyes on each other; a thunderbolt of lightning that struck right through our hearts and bound us together forever - or was it?

We fell deeply in love, so engrossed in ourselves that we were lost to the world. Nothing else did matter as long as I was by your side and you were by mine.

Our life was beautiful; so beautiful beyond description. On this very place where we called Home, you pronounced your vows to me and I to you; and we were sealed for a destiny together. In all those years, we weaved many memories together: the forget-me-not kisses, the shampoo sessions in the rain, the intimate talks on the balcony, the sensual love-making in the dark. I was happy and so were you. In our happiness, we forgot about the real world. We forgot about how corrupted the real world was and the poison it brought with it.

Why do I miss you even when you are just standing next to me? Why do I feel like more than a distance between us? I have climbed every mountain and swam every river just to bring us Home. But lately, I am afraid - so afraid that we are running out of time. I am afraid that we can't rewind and return to where we had left off. I, myself, am losing faith. I just can't do it alone.

Tell me what to do. Just don't tell me that it's over... Or is it really?

For if your heart's not in it anymore, please stop faking what you don't feel. If this love is already gone, I don't want you to keep me hanging on. What is worse than knowing that you are pretending to try to save us when the truth is that you don't love me anymore? Just say the words and I will let you go. What is the point of chaining you when your heart already belongs to someone else? The world is not as innocent as I had assumed it to be. It is actually more treacherous and corrupted than I had imagined. I thought that our love was too pure and too strong for anything in this world to destroy. But I was wrong, indeed. It has come to take away one of us. And the other one is now left to walk the remaining journey alone.

But I had returned Home now, after all these years as an old lady. With a walking stick in my hand to assist in my feeble movements, I may be old physically but my memories were still very much alive. And so were my emotions. I had loved you then and I still love you now. Though this weak old lady may not know where you are exactly, but to this very day, I still pine for you. I miss you... very much. I intend to spend the last of my days waiting for you here as that is all I know I have lived for. With what's left of me, I will wait for the day when you safely return Home.

I am SORRY

Tik, tok, tik, tok... He looks at his watch anxiously - a quarter to 7pm - another 15 minutes to go before the last bus out of town leaves. Where is she? She is supposed to meet him half hour ago. The skies above begin to darken as heavy clouds pregnant with water gather, threatening to burst any time now. And the strong wind is blowing from the East - warning that a storm would be hitting the town soon. From a distance about 500 meters away, he spots a small figure running towards his direction. His heart starts to race. Could it be her? 200 meters, his heart falls as he realizes that the figure running towards him belongs to a young boy who is carrying what seems to be a letter in his right hand. As the young boy approaches, he hands him the letter. Without a word, he quickly runs down the road and disappears into the twilight. The letter reads:



Dear B,

I am sorry.

I can't go with you. I know I owe you more than just an explanation. And this letter is never going to be enough to make up for my lack of presence. But please hear me out, for it might give you a reason to realize that I am not worth the extra mile. Eventually, you would soon come to learn that the girl you love the most will also be the one you hate the most... one day.


Our story was not a fairytale. No. But it was certainly one-of-a-kind; two different individuals from two different worlds, crossing paths. So ironic that we sometimes wonder how can two people who hated each others' guts from the first moment they met would one day fall in love with one another. How was it possible that you could be so attracted to me like a steel to a magnet? And how was it possible that I could be so enchanted by your charm and wittiness?


Well, they said that "Love is Blind". And now, I believe.

I love you too. No one has ever made me feel the way you did. The time spent with you was the time of my life. And if it were to be within my control, I would replay those moments again and again and again, knowing clearly that we will not last; the ending was just waiting around the corner. I should not have led you on, so you wouldn't be hurt. But I was too greedy and hungry; I was addicted to your love. In the midst of the happiness you brought to me, I was feeling guilty the whole time through with every distant look in my eye, every empty smile I gave you and the senseless touch when we made love. I've played you - and your emotions. It was meant to be just a game and nothing more serious than that. I wanted to challenge myself to prove how far I could go with you and whether or not, I would win. If there is one thing you didn't already know about me: I am dangerous. On the facade, I joked and laughed with you, pretended to be concerned about you and your life, acted as if I cared and as if I really loved you; but it was all for the game. I've gambled with your feelings but I had lost terribly in the game for I realize that I have fallen in love with you.

But what is more deadly is that I have kept a secret hidden from you. The reason why I can't go with you is that I am getting married in December. I don't know how to break this news to you but all along, I have someone in my life; his name is John. We have been together for 3 years now but he is often never with me. But he loves me a great deal, more than I actually love him. There had been talks about buying a house together and settling down for almost a year now but I never really did care about what John had suggested. I often gave him the distant look or changed the conversation topic, ignoring him because deep inside I wasn't sure if he was indeed the one - because of you.


By now, I know the damage is done. All I can do now is to say sorry though I know that no amount of "sorry" is ever going to heal the wound I've caused. I should have stopped earlier before we went deeper. I should have warned you not to fall in love with me. It is not your fault, it is only mine as I knew better than you. I was the mastermind behind all this but I failed horrendously. I would never be able to turn back time. But if I could, I will go back to the moment we both first met and change the course of events so we would never cross paths at all.


I am sorry... truly.


Love always, J.


P/S: Don't look back. Ever. 

As he finishes the last sentence, the reservoir of the skies bursts. In the wetness of the rain and the coldness of the Eastern wind, he falls to his knees. The last bus is just leaving.

ke manakah Cinta pergi?

bila Sang Mentari diganti Sang Bulan
siang bertukar menjadi malam
seorang gadis berdiri keseorangan
di tepi pantai ditemani Sang Bayu
dalam kesepian yang memeluknya
gadis itu melayan kepiluan yang melanda
bertepuk dada bertanya diri
ke manakah Cinta pergi?


setiap titisan air mata pedih terasa
apa lagi kepedihan yang kian bertakhta di sanubari
hati menangis siapa yang tahu
perasaan ini bagai bantal empuk yang dipenuhi duri
kerana cinta ku telah dihiris seribu kali
aku cuba menahan sebak di dada
yang seolah ombak yang memukul kuat ke sisir pantai
tapi apakah daya seorang gadis yang telah terabai?


cinta yang ku beri pada mu tulus dan ikhlas
cinta ku indah bagai pelangi selepas hujan
cinta ku untuk mu tiada berbelah bagi
cinta ku terhadap mu dalam dan suci
sejak bila kau beranjak pergi
meninggalkan aku diam sepi
bukalah semula pintu hati mu
agar aku bisa hidup dalam cahaya cinta mu selalu


apakah salah ku?
sehingga cinta kita kini di penghujung jalan
apakah sebab kita mesti berakhir di sini?
bila kita masih mengerti cinta ini
adakah aku seorang saja yang bermimpi?
sedangkan kau sudah bertukar hati
aku bertepuk dada bertanya diri
ke manakah Cinta ku pergi?

Under the Crimson Cloven Skies of October

Under the crimson cloven skies of October, I said goodbye to him. Quickly, he held my hand and pulled me into his arms - so tightly, I barely could breathe. A part of me wanted to break free and just walk away, never to look back. But there was still this part of me that wished to linger on... only for awhile longer.

The evening wind had just started to blow gently across the green field which was now tinted yellow by the setting sun. The withering oak trees casted light shadows over the meadows down the hill where we stood. Silence enveloped around us like there was no other more solemn place in the world than where we were standing.

He cried suddenly.

Tightening his grip around my body, streams of hot tears flowed down his cheeks like a waterfall. He hugged me even closer. The familiar smell of his cologne filled my nostrils. I knew this would be my last time to catch a whiff of that scent. With his face buried in my hair and his chin rested on my left shoulder, I could feel his warmth, so comforting to me once upon a time ago.

Like a mannequin, I stood there stiffly in his arms. As if I was lost in my own reverie, I stared blankly into the clouds above. I could see the sparrows flying swiftly in the sky and I whispered silently to myself, wishing to be like them - soaring so freely with wings unfurled.

But the birds, they were singing a chorus; a melody so sad and cold, it brought me to tears too. It was as if the birds were mourning with us, dedicating this day as the last chapter of our love story.

Memories, one by one, started to float back, flashing before my eyes. There were moments of laughter and of joy; there were also moments of tears and of sadness; our first date and our first kiss; the journey we traveled together - the sunshine and the storms; and especially, I could still remember vividly how his skin felt against mine; the warmth, the texture, the scent - it was all coming back.

Did I make a mistake? Did I make a wrong decision? Did we have to end it?

I lifted both my arms to hug him back, to tell him that we could rewind and go back to where we had left, to tell him not to cry anymore and that every thing would be okay, to look him in the eyes and say that I still love him and will always do. I had waited so long, I can still wait some more; I had loved him for so long, I could still continue loving him, why should I even stop now?

But my arms stayed where they were, as stiffly as the other limbs. I could not bring myself to love him anymore. My heart was now broken. Something died inside. The bitter cold now reigned sovereignly in it - my heart was now an ice palace, waiting... just waiting for the slightest glow of warmth to revive it. It won't be for a thousand years.

And so, under the crimson cloven skies of October, I said goodbye to him.

My Life | So What?

Hi, let me introduce to you my life.
I live among the rich and the glamorous.
Paparazzi, camera flashlights and red carpets are a norm for me.
My life revolves around playing and partying every single night.
I love it when the night falls; every thing comes alive - the music, the dance moves, the booze, the skinny-dipping and sometimes the ménagè a trois.
New friends are easy to get; sleeping partners - even easier! During the day, I attend big luncheons at posh restaurants.
Caviar and champagne are my top-list menu. 
I own a business empire and a chain of hotels and casinos around the world.
I have cash, loads of it - spend it all and I still have a lot to burn in the fire, just for fun!
My best friends are Gucci, Prada, Dior, Louis Vuitton and Chanel.
I dress and parade around town with them - from the tip of my toes to the top of my head; from the outsides to even the insides too.
My playmates are Ferrari, Lamborghini and Bentley.
I ride with them on the roads; they are so hot and sexy that they'd always turn heads.
My playgrounds are Tokyo, Milan, New York, London and Paris.
I have houses and mansions there - they are second homes to me.
I love buying gifts for friends and strangers too, mostly impulsive.
The biggest gift I've ever bought for a stranger was a cruise ship - only because he loves fishing out in the open sea.
I find pleasure in the company of men and women - it is so easy to buy them.
It just clicks - I want entertainment and they want money. 
When you have money, you have everything.

I lead a life many people could only dream of.
It's a nice feeling to know that people envy me.

But...
I have a secret to tell you: a confession to make.
I smile only because it is forced; not genuine.
It is all a show, a facade. 
I may sound like I am happy and proud of how I live.
But honestly, I am not.
SO WHAT?
So what if I have all the riches in the world but have not your love, what am I?


I am Nothing.

Driving in Kuala Lumpur - Not too crazy after all

Driving in downtown Kuala Lumpur is madness (although it is not as crazy as driving on the Penang Island). But in all the madness that the roads of KL city has to offer, I've found some sanity too - pleasing and comforting to my already-tormented soul of a driver.

I was driving to work on Wednesday along Jalan Tun Sambathan, Brickfields KL - a road that is partially brick-paved and partially tarred (with countless potholes), and part of it, still under construction which seems never-ending. If the condition of the road did not already kill me, the strings of traffic from all unpredicted directions - left and right - would have! The bumper-to-bumper jam suffocated me. Some drivers practised their "kiasu-ness" (fear of losing out) in their driving which caused me to "kiasi" (fear of getting killed), struggling to control my steering wheel. And if that was not bad enough, the motorcyclists could easily cause me a major heart attack every time they weaved in and out the traffic; not to mention, my 2.5-month old car! I will die if someone were to hit into or scratch my car's beautiful and muscular white body... *touch wood*

Alright. So you understand now how crazy driving in downtown KL on a weekday morning is. Yes, very crazy indeed. Stressful, frustrating, scary - all in one! But something which was rather pleasant took place on that particular Wednesday morning. An accident happened right before my eyes involving a red Perodua Kembara car in front of my car and a black Toyota Vios car in front of the Kembara. When I thought that this accident would be the start of a major jam of the already existing jam, I was wrong. Instead of seeing the two owners arguing over the accident, I witnessed a very heart-warming scene between them. When I thought that the Vios owner would alight from his car and start scolding the Kembara owner for hitting into the back of his car and causing a hideous dent on his bumper, he silently took a look at the damage to his Vios and smiled instead to the Kembara owner who at that time, was profusely apologizing for his mistake. They spoke for awhile, then shook hands and returned to their respective cars. So ironic!

I, for once, felt relief. The scene was so heart-warming and pleasant that all my stress, frustration and fear just melted away. The comforting thought lingered in my head throughout the entire journey to work. I wish more Malaysians to be like the Vios and the Kembara owners when an accident occurs, no matter how bad it is. Then the whole world would be a much better place to live in.

If only he knew...

     In the silence of the night, she listened to his breathing while he lay sleeping - lost in a dream. In the dim moonlight which peeped through the window panes and casted playful shadows on the walls of the bedroom, she watched him sleep soundly, observing the rise and  the fall of his chest. She smiled to herself with content at the sight of him.  

     Peace. 

     There was no place else on earth she would rather be right now, but here.

     Every night, she wished to be near him, to feel his warm cuddly hug and the brush of his skin against hers. And every night, she wished secretly that the morning would never come; time would suddenly stop in the dead of the night so she could stay like this forever with him.

     But that was only a wish for Morning always arrived. The Moon would hide herself and the Sun would shine his prominent rays across the globe. Like the Moon, she would recede into darkness, hiding herself in shadows and away from the deadly burning rays of the Sun.

     Although she knew that she was breaking the laws of the supernatural realm, she risked all that she had to catch a glimpse of him during the day. It made her really happy just to see him: his conversations, his laughs, his actions - everything about him!

     She loved him that much.

    But wait a minute. Something suddenly struck her senses. Does he know how I feel about him? Does he even know that I love him? Wait, since when have I fallen in love with him?

     How would he know? She's just a distant memory from the past. He had probably forgotten about her. She's probably non-existent to him anymore.  She's not from his world. She's just a ghost - a poor soul that haunted his room every night secretly; a poor girl who would sacrifice all that she had to be with him; she's just a girl who loved him silently from afar.

     If only he knew...

Unspoken Words

When I was a little child, there were only three types of church occasions that always never failed to fascinate me: Christmas celebrations, weddings and funerals. Yes, you may think that it's normal for a child to get excited and goo-goo-gaa-gaa about attending Christmas masses and watching pretty brides walk down the aisle to be joined as one with their future husbands but FUNERALS... that's not normal, that's weird! But somehow, I liked attending funerals too.

I used to like to sit on the back-benches in the church hall, quietly watching the other funeral guests fill the front pews - all solemnly dressed in shades of grey, brown and black. Funerals fascinated me when I was a kiddo because they always seemed to carry a mysterious cloud of atmosphere with them which I somehow was determined to comprehend. This was the time when I could get the chance to see grown men and women - some of whom I called Auntie, Uncle, Jie Jie ("elder sister" in the Hokkien dialect) or Kor Kor ("elder brother" in the Hokkien dialect) cry. It was really very intriguing to me to watch these people whom I looked-up to, knew and recognized as "solid" adults before the funerals, shed their tears like children my age did at that time. And believe me, it could get ugly sometimes. I knew and understood that funerals meant somebody dearest had just passed away and thus, it was meant to be a very sad occasion.

But still, why must they cry? 

That was a question which kept on spinning in my head, desperate for an answer. I never got the chance to have somebody close to me die so I could experience what it was like to be the one crying. Like most children after a long time, I got bored of my unanswered question eventually. I left it hanging since then and never once revisited this state of mind until yesterday.

I was at an eye-specialist clinic yesterday morning to get my sore right eye checked-up. It was teary as if I just cried until my eye was red! So embarrassing! There were so many patients around, waiting for their turns, I was thankful I managed to find a place to sit, next to a smartly dressed elderly man who had the kindest and calmest smile ever. He inched to his right a little so that I could park my fat buttocks on the seat next to him nicely. What a gentleman!

As I was waiting for my turn which seemed to be eternity, the elderly man sitting next to me suddenly spoke up. Also wanting to kill the boredom that was eating into me, I chatted with him. He told me about himself and asked about me and the conversation went on into something so touching that I shall remember for the rest of my life. And the best part, my since-I-was-a-kid-unanswered-question was answered by him as well. Finally.

His wife died in a car accident about a two decades ago. Before the accident, the man was a successful businessman who owned a handful of major rice mills in the country. He admitted that the sole reason behind his success was his wife who understood him more than anyone else could and who supported him through thick and thin. But during the time when she was still alive, he never acknowledged this fact, nor did he credit his wife for his success. His wife was a quiet character but strong in nature and influential in her own ways. She was self-sacrificial; always putting him first in everything. Although he loved her dearly as much as she loved him, he never once professed his feelings for her, not even during their younger days when they were dating. He never once uttered the 3 words I Love You to her before - these are the words every woman would love to hear from her man's mouth. He found it really difficult to spit the words out even though he felt it deeply in his heart towards his wife.

Sadly, she never lived to hear him say those words. She never got the chance to know how much he loved her. During her funeral, he cried and cried and cried. And even after the funeral, he continued to cry his heart out. His heart ached with regret that he never found the courage to say I Love You to her when she was still alive; to show her how he truly felt all these years, how appreciative of him towards her support and help and unconditional love for him.

He cried because of regret - words that were never spoken when he still had the chance.

After listening to the old man, I felt a tear forming at the end of the lid of my right eye. No, the tear was not a result of my eye soreness! I was so touched by the old man's story, I started to cry. Yes, right in the middle of the clinic. And yes, in the middle of the clinic where there were still many patients waiting for their turns! But who would know if I was crying or not (except the old man)? I was having a sore eye, so my tears can be easily mistaken as a result of my eye soreness. WTH!

I left the clinic feeling like I discovered something so beautiful. It's not about the funerals and the tears people shed during the ceremony and it's certainly not about getting fascinated watching grown-ups cry like babies.

What I learned from the old man: while you still have the chance that is when you and your loved ones are still alive, tell them that you love them to show them how you truly feel inside and that you may never get the chance to say this to them again. It may sound stupid and crazy but love doesn't need a reason for someone to profess it. Say the words before it's too late. Otherwise, they would just be left as unspoken words.

The Most Romantic Thing (according to me)

There was an evening, some of my close friends and I were hanging out at a cafeteria after dinner. We talked and laughed a lot until the place was closed for the night. It was one of those nights every one was in the mood for talks and thoughts and laughter. We covered lots of topics and every one had to take turns to say something about every topic that was suggested on the table - no escaping. As expected, the topic on relationships came up and someone in the group asked the rest this "In your opinion, what is the most romantic thing a couple can do?"

When the question was thrown out, I was at a lost for words. Usually, I had a lot to say about anything at all and was seldom caught speechless. But that time, it was one of those awkward moments where I had to work my brain to crack something out. At the back of my head, I knew that my reputation for being recognized as the girl with many ideas, suggestions, words, opinions etc was at stake and was soon to be jeopardized.

And so, like every one else (while searching for an answer in my head), I sat there and listened to the others. My turn was the last (Thank goodness! At least, there was more time for me to think of the answer). Each person's answer must be different from the others (Oh darn! That meant no "copy-and-paste". Now, that's difficult!).

One of us mentioned that the most romantic thing a couple can do was to lie flat with your backs against the ground and admire the stars in the sky above at night. I thought, "Why didn't I think of that? That's romantic!" Another said, cuddling in each other's arms and talking to each other while listening to some soft music in the background. I thought, "Darn! I want that answer too!" The next said, going on a holiday together on a cruise or a beach holiday. And I thought, "Awww... holidays are always romantic, getting lost somewhere in the world together where no one knows you. I wish it was my turn to say this first!"

At last, it was my turn. I still had no answer. Everyone looked at me with so much intensity and anticipation, I thought I was going to suffer a heart attack. I opened my mouth and mumbled something. I was still thinking and all of a sudden, like a miracle, the answer just popped into my head (Oh how I sometimes love spontaneity!). As I spoke forth, I was convinced about the words that poured out of my mouth. And even up to today, I still believe this.

"I think the most romantic thing a couple can do is to grow old together. There's nothing more romantic than to live every moment in life together, age, grey and wrinkle together because every second of it is a memory that should be treasured and cherished and frozen in time as it only happens once in a lifetime. Growing old together is a series of life experiences a couple goes through, exclusive and special only to that particular couple; no one else would be able to share the same. Imagine, one day, both of you sitting on the front porch of your house you had both lived in for the past 4 decades, watching your own kids all grown up and your grandkids playing in the front yard. Both of you turned and smiled to each other, acknowledging the common satisfaction and pride that you both had fathered and mothered all of these throughout your lifetime together. One just cannot do without the other. Sometimes, it moves and stirs me inside to watch an old couple, walking side by side along the pedestrian walkway and still holding hands even at this age! They look and talk to each other with so much intensity and love that I am sometimes embarrassed to think that intense love and relationships only belong to the people my age. They had proven me wrong. I am ashamed to think and professed that I had loved my the other-half enough. What is my love for my the other-half as compared to the love intensity the old couple shared after so many years being together and still going strong? Love takes years to nurture; not every couple can succeed. Therefore, to me, growing old together is the most romantic thing a couple can do..."

And yes indeed, my reputation was saved. But more importantly, I learned something very heart-warming that evening.

Hidden Away by Josh Groban

Author's Note: To You-Know-Who-You-Are... I just want to tell you that I already know how you feel about me. Your actions speak louder than words. I am not blind, nor deaf. I observe and I listen. The things you say and do; the good things others speak about us. They are not lies, are they? Then what is it that is holding us back? Speak forth and don't let it be kept Hidden Away... for what is ours is right in front of our eyes.

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles will you watch for me
The sweetest feeling I've got inside
I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes
And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today
I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickering candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows
And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don't keep them
Hidden Away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe
And I can take in all you say
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today
I want to feel your love
Will you reveal your love
Please don't keep your love
Hidden Away

I want to free your heart
I want to see your heart
Please don't keep your heart
Hidden Away

Enlightened

The Nightmare. It felt like a thousand years. It felt like forever and a day.

And now, words cannot even begin to describe the relief and the joy I feel inside. I have awoken from a deep sleep. I have awoken from It. I am now fully awake.

It is after a catastrophe like this one, people start to see and view things around them in a new light. I am no different from them. I guess it is a natural process - a stage where one is expected to experience after a personal struggle in life, especially when that struggle is love-related.

A month or so ago, my life was a roller-coaster ride - there were many highs and there were many lows as well. But the lows were far greater than the highs - each subsequent low was worse than the one before. Flashing back, I thought I was trying to make my life better; to find that balance between us; to find that compromise together, but I was wrong, I was denied all those and my heart was broken into pieces and my life was over... forever.

Or so I thought.

It came to my realization suddenly one day, while talking to a close friend, that I had long lost my optimism which I always knew I had since I was little. But the whole nightmare episode had made me realize that I had been a pessimist all this while. I was heading in the direction of hopelessness which I had built unconsciously around me. It just dawned upon me that every word I had uttered before was negative and no matter how hard I tried to be positive, I failed terribly. I had a choice, didn't I? But because I was adamant to stay on as being someone hopeless and self-pitied, I chose to be ignorant of the fact that I could turn all of this around, pick myself up and move on.

The other thing which I realized after the nightmare was that I had many good friends out there whom I had taken for granted and neglected when I was with him for the past 4 years. Friends do come and go but the good ones always stay. And I am blessed with so many of them who have stood by my side through thick and thin, supporting me all the way to recovery - to where I am now. Usually, it is during bad times like this, people start noticing who their true friends really are. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." I owe it to these friends, my life just couldn't get any better than how it is now.

Freedom was something I only knew by name and not by experience. When I was still in a relationship, yes there was freedom but that freedom is not the same freedom I know today. The freedom I recognize today is of a different taste - far sweeter and more refreshing. I never knew this taste actually ever existed until after the relationship and the nightmare. I now feel liberated - my body does what it desires to do, my heart feels what it desires to feel, my mind thinks what it desires to think and my soul believes in what it desires to believe. It is like my eyes just open up suddenly and I see things in ways I've never seen them before. My heart is no longer dragged down by a big heavy bulk of negative emotions. I fill my thoughts with beautiful pictures, my eyes with beautiful colors, my nose with beautiful smells, my mouth with beautiful words, sentences and tastes, my ears with beautiful music and my skin with beautiful sensations. It is like I am almost a new creation except I am still myself - the real Me.

I am enlightened.

There Will Be Tears but They're Not Gonna Be Mine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6fUQfS3SLo

By: Miranda Cosgrove
I don't know what you expected
But me to sit around and beg for you to stay
Can't you see what you've neglected
I don't know what you've been taking
Do I look like I was born just yesterday?
You're the one who will be breaking after all

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

You'll be begging for a shoulder
You'll be looking for someone to dry your eyes
But you ain't never getting over what we had
And you'll be crying like a baby
Cause you thought you'd be the one to say goodbye
And I hope it drives you crazy, oh yeah

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

You don't know what you got
'Till it goes away, goes away, baby
Anything that you lose
You're the one to blame
One to blame, so save it
Get it, get it can you wish
I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
There will be tears, oh yeah
But they're not gonna be mine

Cause there will be tears
But they're not gonna be mine
My heart will be clear
And my eyes are staying dry
Because you didn't, you didn't
You wished I'd never go away
I'll just pretend from now
I've got a reason to celebrate
Tears, but they're not gonna be
Not gonna be mine

Beautiful Things I've Seen, Heard, Tasted, Smelled and Felt...

... like the early morning dew that formed on the petals of the white lilies.

... like the clouds of mist that spirited across the green fields at the break of dawn.

... like the innocent child who made the grown man cry.

... like the old couple who still adored and loved one another immensely.

... like the joyful smile on the faces of the parents when they witnessed their baby's first step.

... like the sweet taste of candy floss which melted in my mouth.

... like the long lost son who reunited with his family.

... like the sweet melody of the leaves of the trees which rustled in the wind.

... like the sight of white bubbly waves, rolling into the beach.

... like the big brown dog which saved the little kittens.

... like the tears shed by the father when giving away his daughter's hands to her husband-to-be on her wedding day.

... like the feeling of fresh mountain water which flowed under my feet.

... like the Moon which shined luminously in the dark sky above.

... like the pianist at the far end of the hall, playing a melancholic melody.

... like the toothless but contented grin of the homeless old woman who lived under the bridge.

... like the first bloom of cherry blossoms which announced the arrival of Spring.

... like the voice of the lover when he said "I Love You" to her. The whole world just stopped and it was the most beautiful moment ever.

The Aftermath - A Season to Love Again

When she thought that she could not go on living, you gave her a reason to live her life again.
Thank you. I'm happy leading my own life again. It's fabulous because of you.
When she felt cold and lonely, you shared with her your warmth.
Thank you. Your warmth is my companion.
When she sat at a corner feeling sad, you gave her your laughter.
Thank you. Your laughter is the best medicine.
When she was bored, you entertained her.
Thank you. You're a great entertainer.
When she needed a hug, you were always there to hold her.
Thank you. Your hug meant a lot to me.
When she was scared, you gave her courage.
Thank you. I shall not be afraid when I'm with you.
When she lost all faith in love, you reinvented the meaning of it and showed her what it was like to love and be loved again.
Thank you. It's a season to love again.

Sick No More

The Sun shone forcefully that very morning, with every effort to produce the brightest rays he could manage. Yet, the heat which came with his rays were not harsh but subtle, as if to give way for something good to happen.

The Wind did her part as well to welcome the good that was expected to come. She blew her best breeze, gentle and soothing, across the green fields to the top of the hill where the house of a sick girl stood.

The girl had been sick for months. But like The Sun and The Wind had anticipated, something good was about to happen soon. And so, they let Time take his course and do his magic.

And true enough, Time had done it once more in proving his power to heal the sick. With the help of The Sun's blinding rays, the sick girl's eyes were reopened, her eyelashes fluttered to life all of a sudden. The Wind also contributed; she blew her gentle soothing breeze into the girl's nostrils and resurrected her body to life.

The girl lunged-in a deep breath and sat up immediately. As if unsure of her surroundings or what to do next, she looked around frantically for help. Fortunately, she was comforted by the sight of her companions who had been sitting, waiting and praying fervently all along by her bedside since she fell sick. Their faithfulness and patience inspired her to move on, to carry on with life and to start anew, though knowing deep down that she was still going through a period of post-sickness - the painful after-effects were still felt immensely.

Hatred: certainly not something she would want to live with for the rest of her life. It is definitely going to take ages to completely erase the painful reminisce of her sickness which was caused by someone... or rather, more specifically two people.

And yet, despite the existence of this hatred, there is also a zest for life; she will continue to live her life to the fullest, not just for herself, but also for the people around her now - for the people who still love her, who appreciate her for who she is, the people who would never take her for granted or hurt her.

She will not allow you to break her for she is stronger now - strong enough to make your life the same fate she just escaped from. She just wants to thank you for making, pushing and forcing her to be this way towards you. But then again, know this. There is still room for forgiveness in her heart for you... only and only if you ask for it.

You left her to love again. 

And to love another even more for she still has lots of love left on the inside, which was once upon a time reserved for you, to give away to another who deserves it more.

Therefore, today, that sick girl is sick no more.