Ten years . . .

Ten years. But I feel like it was only yesterday. If it weren't for the reflection in the mirror which reminds me of how much I have aged, I wouldn't have noticed how quickly Time had ticked away.

At every sunrise, when I open my eyes, it is always you playing in my mind. I think it has become a habit to turn to your side on the bed to check if you are awake. But now, that spot is empty.

It seems like you were gone only recently. I could still see you walking around the house, or busy cooking my favourite beef stew in the kitchen. I could still smell you in the pillows and I could still hear you singing and strumming away on your guitar.

It is almost 4pm now. I put on the satin dress you bought for me as a gift in Cambodia. As I walk pass the mirror, I picture you standing by the door, smiling at me. I make my way to the bathroom and quickly put on some make-up. I comb my hair and wear it down, just like how you would like it. As I reach for my jewellery box, something catches my eyes I have never noticed before. Your toothbrush, your hair gel, your shaver and everything else that belongs to you, are still where they were ten years ago. I have not moved a single thing of yours at all. I have left all things the way they were ten years ago.

So here I am again, standing before you today as I have stood at the exact same spot a year ago, two years ago, three years ago... for the past ten years. Every year, I wait for this day to come because I would want to celebrate it with you. So I bring with me a bouquet of fresh red roses and place them gently on the cold marble stone of your grave. I come here to tell you the same message I told you every year on our anniversary.

I love you and I miss you dearly. Life is horrible without you. I pray to God every day to shorten my life so that I could be reunited with you. It is cruel to wake up in the morning only to realize again that you are no longer here. It is cruel to cook our favourite steak only to eat it all by myself. It is cruel to watch a scary horror movie only to realize you are not there to accompany me. It is cruel to go see the world only to know that the world is too big without you in it. It is cruel, it is cruel, it is cruel!

Are you listening to me? Do you know how angry I am at myself? Why aren't you here when I need you the most? Where are you? Come back, come back! I am done waiting! I am done waiting! What use is my life if you are not in it? Won't you please take me away with you? Please...! I beg you. I beg you. I beg you... Oh, please...!

I tried and tried but the pain is too intense. This burden is too heavy for me to carry. Ten years and your absence is still so fresh. It is unfair. It is really unfair. Why? Oh why?

Ten-years is ten-years but I can't go on a minute longer.

Lonely

Lonely...
has returned.

Lonely...
is visiting an old friend.

Lonely...
knows me by name.

Lonely...
accompanies me every where I go.

Lonely...
says he'd like to stay longer this time.

Lonely...
chases my friends away.

Lonely...
tells me he'll be my only friend.

Lonely...
is very loud.

Lonely...
is persistent.

Lonely...
takes away my time.

Lonely...
sleeps with me.

Lonely...
is always in my head.

Lonely...
makes me sad.

Lonely...
frustrates me too sometimes.

Lonely...
says I deserve him.

Lonely...
scares me.

Lonely...
won't go away.

Lonely...
will kill me one day.

The Song

when the world outside grew dark and silent

people climbed into their cradles and fell into dreamless sleeps

she woke up and found herself at the piano

her fingers hovering over the ice-cold keys

enveloped by the darkness that seeped into the room from the outside

she sat stoned like a statue, looking distantly into the night before her eyes

in her head, a broken tune began forming

her fingers raced along the keys to capture the melody

one by one, the notes made their way onto the piano

telling a story that is both new and old

shutting the world out, she got lost in her own reverie

to a place and a time that were once all too familiar

as the notes were pieced together

she felt the joy, there was nothing else left to fear

fuzzy and warm, light and dear

that was when she realized that love was near

oh why oh why, must you appear at this time?

why do I feel like love is a crime?

what have I done to deserve this?

maybe it's true you have given me a reason to exist

inspired by love, she smiled to the stars above

how kind they were to her, she had never been luckier

on the piano keys, her fingers continued writing The Song

so one day, both him and her could sing along

Please Come Home...

I looked up. Dark clouds were moving rapidly above, assembling to create a heavy mass that will soon burst into showers of rain.

I waited. And waited. But only silence prevailed.

It took me awhile to realize that you were not with me. I was alone, lost in my own reverie. My eyes touched a scenery that was once all too familiar - a scenery that was set in a place where we had both called Home.

Home was the exact spot where we had both first laid eyes on each other; a thunderbolt of lightning that struck right through our hearts and bound us together forever - or was it?

We fell deeply in love, so engrossed in ourselves that we were lost to the world. Nothing else did matter as long as I was by your side and you were by mine.

Our life was beautiful; so beautiful beyond description. On this very place where we called Home, you pronounced your vows to me and I to you; and we were sealed for a destiny together. In all those years, we weaved many memories together: the forget-me-not kisses, the shampoo sessions in the rain, the intimate talks on the balcony, the sensual love-making in the dark. I was happy and so were you. In our happiness, we forgot about the real world. We forgot about how corrupted the real world was and the poison it brought with it.

Why do I miss you even when you are just standing next to me? Why do I feel like more than a distance between us? I have climbed every mountain and swam every river just to bring us Home. But lately, I am afraid - so afraid that we are running out of time. I am afraid that we can't rewind and return to where we had left off. I, myself, am losing faith. I just can't do it alone.

Tell me what to do. Just don't tell me that it's over... Or is it really?

For if your heart's not in it anymore, please stop faking what you don't feel. If this love is already gone, I don't want you to keep me hanging on. What is worse than knowing that you are pretending to try to save us when the truth is that you don't love me anymore? Just say the words and I will let you go. What is the point of chaining you when your heart already belongs to someone else? The world is not as innocent as I had assumed it to be. It is actually more treacherous and corrupted than I had imagined. I thought that our love was too pure and too strong for anything in this world to destroy. But I was wrong, indeed. It has come to take away one of us. And the other one is now left to walk the remaining journey alone.

But I had returned Home now, after all these years as an old lady. With a walking stick in my hand to assist in my feeble movements, I may be old physically but my memories were still very much alive. And so were my emotions. I had loved you then and I still love you now. Though this weak old lady may not know where you are exactly, but to this very day, I still pine for you. I miss you... very much. I intend to spend the last of my days waiting for you here as that is all I know I have lived for. With what's left of me, I will wait for the day when you safely return Home.

I am SORRY

Tik, tok, tik, tok... He looks at his watch anxiously - a quarter to 7pm - another 15 minutes to go before the last bus out of town leaves. Where is she? She is supposed to meet him half hour ago. The skies above begin to darken as heavy clouds pregnant with water gather, threatening to burst any time now. And the strong wind is blowing from the East - warning that a storm would be hitting the town soon. From a distance about 500 meters away, he spots a small figure running towards his direction. His heart starts to race. Could it be her? 200 meters, his heart falls as he realizes that the figure running towards him belongs to a young boy who is carrying what seems to be a letter in his right hand. As the young boy approaches, he hands him the letter. Without a word, he quickly runs down the road and disappears into the twilight. The letter reads:



Dear B,

I am sorry.

I can't go with you. I know I owe you more than just an explanation. And this letter is never going to be enough to make up for my lack of presence. But please hear me out, for it might give you a reason to realize that I am not worth the extra mile. Eventually, you would soon come to learn that the girl you love the most will also be the one you hate the most... one day.


Our story was not a fairytale. No. But it was certainly one-of-a-kind; two different individuals from two different worlds, crossing paths. So ironic that we sometimes wonder how can two people who hated each others' guts from the first moment they met would one day fall in love with one another. How was it possible that you could be so attracted to me like a steel to a magnet? And how was it possible that I could be so enchanted by your charm and wittiness?


Well, they said that "Love is Blind". And now, I believe.

I love you too. No one has ever made me feel the way you did. The time spent with you was the time of my life. And if it were to be within my control, I would replay those moments again and again and again, knowing clearly that we will not last; the ending was just waiting around the corner. I should not have led you on, so you wouldn't be hurt. But I was too greedy and hungry; I was addicted to your love. In the midst of the happiness you brought to me, I was feeling guilty the whole time through with every distant look in my eye, every empty smile I gave you and the senseless touch when we made love. I've played you - and your emotions. It was meant to be just a game and nothing more serious than that. I wanted to challenge myself to prove how far I could go with you and whether or not, I would win. If there is one thing you didn't already know about me: I am dangerous. On the facade, I joked and laughed with you, pretended to be concerned about you and your life, acted as if I cared and as if I really loved you; but it was all for the game. I've gambled with your feelings but I had lost terribly in the game for I realize that I have fallen in love with you.

But what is more deadly is that I have kept a secret hidden from you. The reason why I can't go with you is that I am getting married in December. I don't know how to break this news to you but all along, I have someone in my life; his name is John. We have been together for 3 years now but he is often never with me. But he loves me a great deal, more than I actually love him. There had been talks about buying a house together and settling down for almost a year now but I never really did care about what John had suggested. I often gave him the distant look or changed the conversation topic, ignoring him because deep inside I wasn't sure if he was indeed the one - because of you.


By now, I know the damage is done. All I can do now is to say sorry though I know that no amount of "sorry" is ever going to heal the wound I've caused. I should have stopped earlier before we went deeper. I should have warned you not to fall in love with me. It is not your fault, it is only mine as I knew better than you. I was the mastermind behind all this but I failed horrendously. I would never be able to turn back time. But if I could, I will go back to the moment we both first met and change the course of events so we would never cross paths at all.


I am sorry... truly.


Love always, J.


P/S: Don't look back. Ever. 

As he finishes the last sentence, the reservoir of the skies bursts. In the wetness of the rain and the coldness of the Eastern wind, he falls to his knees. The last bus is just leaving.